More and More

Lately I’ve been getting a whole lot of traffic.  Not too sure where it’s coming from but I appreciate all of the comments.  It really warms my heart to know that the words I wrote years ago are able to help so many now. I even get emails from people who have found inspiration in a few of the posts.

A lot’s been going on my way but most of all my WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY!!! I’m totally stoked about this.  In perfect Joi tradition I have started yet another blog about it.  If your interested in the recent happenings of me or curious about my weight loss adventures mosey on down to http://thevanishingmom.blogspot.com/  Just like this blog I’m holding nothing back in my new blog, complete with pictures this time.

 

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August 13, 2011. HPV. Leave a comment.

2 1/2 years later

I can’t believe it’s been this long since I’ve posted.  Alot has changed and hopefully my typing will be one of them.

 

I’m 30 now.  Wow 30.  Such a big number but so small  at the same time.
I’m taking new classes because the classes I took back when I was writing in this never panned out.  I am now going to school to be a Medical Transcriptionist.
My son is now 8!
I am happy to announce my partner and I are still together!
We just moved and I LOVE our new place.

 

However, I haven’t had a pap in almost 2 years.  Oh GOSH I know I should be ashamed.  I know it’s horrible and terribly irresponsible.   Honestly, I’ve been scared.  I know this blog may make me seem soo brave.  But I’m terrified of having to go through this again.  I guess that might make me a bit selfish being that I have a family that I need to worry about too.

 

So I’m calling.  I am making this vow to call first thing tomorrow morning and make my appointment.  I will not run, I will face this head on.

 

In other news I’ve been catching up on approving comments that I didn’t realize I had.  When I stopped writing I pretty much decided to fall off the face of the blogging world because…. well, life happened more than anything.  but these comments are amazing!  I’m so glad that I was able to help more than just the one I intended to help!

 

I think I will pick back up posting.  See, HPV doesn’t just stop when you get the clear from your OB.  It lives on you like a badge.  I’ve helped many women both with this blog and in daily life that I’ve been able to help.  There is life after HPV.  Maybe it’s not what I’m going to talk about everyday.  maybe you won’t here those three letters out of my mouth for a whole week.  But it’s time that the women of the HPV world get to see that there is more to life than just test results and tears.  You will smile again one day I promise.  And I’m going to help show you everything you have to look forward to.

 

I will post news articles, medical findings and anything else helpful for the women that are currently going through this.

 

And now with my nifty Droid I’ll be able to post as soon as I’m thinking of something!  🙂

October 11, 2010. Feelings, HPV. 5 comments.

Wow, it’s been a while

Not too much to post lately, although I do have a folder full of articles to post.  I will get to them by tomorrow I promise.

Updates though….

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May 22, 2008. Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, Test Results. 2 comments.

Putting it off.

Not too much going on lately.  Things have been pretty quiet.  I had my period a week ago and it was my most painful one yet since my leep, that kind of scares me.  I’ve been putting off calling my Ob to schedule my pap, I’m almost due.  i really should call.  I’m scared.  I keep getting told that the percentage of women who “replapse” or show more Dysplasia is small, but so far, thru this whole thing I’ve been in that small percentage.  For once I want to be in that big percentage.  I’m crossing my fingers.  I guess I’ll make the call today.  I have too.  It’s getting late.

April 18, 2008. Tags: , , . coping, Doc Appointments, HPV, information, Test Results. Leave a comment.

10 lbs off my back

Sometimes stress is a mother fucker.  It can wigh you down and break you to the point of no coming back.  HPV almost did that to me.  It had me soo strongly in it’s
grasp.

I had almost given in.  But then I started getting these comments.  These amazing comments of women who I’ve inadvertantly helped.  Not many, just a few.  But women, those comments help SOOOO much.

As much as reading a blog of a woman who lives somewhere out in cyber space, who blogs about some of the most ridicoulus things, who’s spelling is sometimes unbearable, who’s life can sometimes be soo uneventful, can help you, even if that blog for the day is simply “fuck HPV”.

Those comments, even if it’s just one, helps ME soo much.  Sometimes I feel alone too.  Even though I have an awesome family.  Even if I have some of the best support I could ask for.  Even though my life partner is, to me anyway, the enxt best thing since sliced bread.  Even though I have an amazing son.  I still feel lonely.  I feel alone in this horrible HPV world.

Noone I know understands HPV.  They don’t understand how you feel.  They
can’t describe the painful periods after a LEEP.  They can’t understand how
terrified you are about the fact that there is a VERY real chance that you may have trouble concieving and if you do, you may need help carrying to full term.  Noone else can understand the emotional scars and how even with them always at the forefront of your brain, you have to push them back and think POSITIVE.

But you do.  Yes you, the woman who is reading this now.  I bet youfound me
because youdid a search on HPV or a LEEP or maybe even a PAP smear.  And

somehow or another you found me.  You found a person who you can understand.  I understand the need to be quiet and just lurk.  I do it on soo  many other blogs.  But then I’ll get someone send me a comment on how much I’ve helped them.  And I cry.  I share the comment with my partner because she is amazed at the responses.  And I tear up.  And shhh, but so
does she.  I don’t know what I would of done without this blog.

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Today, I’m scared.  not sure why though.  Just all day I’ve had this scared feeling.  I don’t even know if it has anything to do with HPV.

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But today is still an AWESOME day.  I lost 10 lbs!!!!  I had a check up at my primary doctors and I lost 10 lbs since I’ve been there last.  I actually think it’s 15 because I know I put on weight after I saw them last.  But who cares 10 lbs is a big deal!  I’m soo amped about losing more wieght.  I’ve gone down 2 jean sizes too.  I’m now down to a 24 and I know from the way they fit, I might just be able to squeeze into a 22 by the end of May.  You know what that means?  CLOTHES SHOPPING!  I should start a fund lol!  I know I’ve beenmore active.  I COMPLETLY hand my weight loss to HPV.  Stress makes me eat less.  And then findnig out just how close I was to cancer made me appreciate the small things more so I’ve been more active and play with my son more.  Plus we’ve been eating better because I need to keep my body in better shape so it can fight the HPV.

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Well gals, have a good night.  It’s time for me to go to sleep.  I’m tired.
Good night!

 

April 3, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 8 comments.

What to do while you wait

Oddly enough when I check my stats for this blog I get alot search result links for “what to do while you wait for HPV results”.  So I thought maybe a list would help us.  I know I’ve been havin the occasional anxiety attack about what’s next.  I’m teriffied about my next pap and the wait to see if the HPV is still active or worse yet, what if they find something abnormal again?

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April 1, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . Doc Appointments, HPV, Test Results, Uncategorized. 7 comments.

It’s like the night before christmas

Withdraw

and all through the house, it was calm, and it was quiet and everything seems normal.

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March 23, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, having a baby, HPV, lesbian, Love, Test Results. Leave a comment.

People talk too much

I don’t really care too much that people know I have HPV.  but at the same time I don’t want it published in a newspaper.  Know what I
mean?

So today while talking to an old friend, I found out that someone who by chance found out about it has been telling everyone we
both know.

I feel hurt, like I’ve been violated.  And I’m left wondering if I should feel this way.   I tell peole about it because I want women to be informed and to possibly lend a caring shoulder.  I also tell people so that the women who haven’t gotten a pap recently can and will have a reason too.  But I think it’s fair for ME to be able to choose who I want to tell that I have it.  Am I wrong?

March 17, 2008. Feelings, HPV. Leave a comment.

3 Years Strong

anniversary.png

Today is my 3 year anniversary with my partner.

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February 27, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love. 2 comments.

Sorry it’s been a while

I’ve been stuck on what to write.

I still have HPV.  I still am scared of what the future brings.  I still feel dirty about it all. I still ponder over who gave it to who and who it could of been passed too.  I am terrified of my pap in August.  I still have soo many questions unanswered.

So when it comes to writing on here I haven’t been sure what would be appropriate and what I could actually get out onto a screen.  Sometimes my feelings and words are so constrewed that I cant even get them out of my mouth let alone type them. Although sometimes typing is easier.  But for these things they’re not. I do have a nice little post about why today is soo special, that will be next.

I just wanted to let yall know I’m alive and well.

Smooches!

February 27, 2008. Tags: , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV. 2 comments.

A little off topic.

I have a domestic partnership with my partner.  We never  got the civil union because all of the rules aren’t in our favor and it’s just plain not fair.

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February 20, 2008. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Just a little personal.

Ok so if you really are offended easily STOP here.  DO NOT CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO READ THE REST OF THE POST.

You have been warned.

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February 19, 2008. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Talking can sometimes be too much

 Sometimes it can be too little.

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February 15, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV. 1 comment.

Test results

I just got back from the doctors.  They upgraded the Displaysia to CINIII which was scary BUT they got everything.  So it’s gone.  I still have and will have HPV.  I go for my next pap in 6 months.  I feel alot better.  I mean it’s scary to know I was that close.  And it’s scary to think it might come back.  It’s scary to not know how it will come back if it does.  But thats sooo far into the future.  Right now I’m ok, and for me thats all that matters.  I’m no going o stop blogging.  I will keep blogging news I read and any more info I can possibly dig up.  But for now, thank you soo much for reading all of my posts and giving as much feedback as you have.  🙂

February 13, 2008. Tags: , , , . Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, news, Test Results. 3 comments.

I’m back!

The inernet is FINALLY back up!!!  I go for my follow up and results today.  My partner also goes for her booster to the vaccine.  I am definatly a little nervous.  I had sex last night/early this morning and I bled a litle bit.  I had tons of cramping afterwards too, As soon as I orgasmed it felt like someone put a knife throughthe right side of my pelvis.  I plan on brining it up today a the doctors office.  Also and I don’t know if it’s related to this or not, but my hormones have been completly out of whack.  I’ve been having intense mood swings and when I had my period last week I grew more than the normal one or two, chin hairs.  And this past period hurt like hell.  it could just be my body telling me to fuck off.  First I had my LEEP, he same day I felt better I got the flu, then just as that started to go away I got my period, now I think I have some kind of bronchitis or such, my throat has been sore for almost two weeks and I’ve been losing my voice.  I just want one day that I feel normal and ok.  One day that I don’t feel like someone shit on me.  Just one day.

Everything elseis ok.  Our son is awesome and cuter than ever, My partner and I are awesome.  I finally have a group of really close friends that I can’t ge enough of.

February 13, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, sex. Leave a comment.

I’m cool and getting better

Now if only I could have sex.  I miss that soo much, but in due time.  The infection is gone.  Just in time of course to get the flu.  But even thats going away.  The emotional scars hurt.  I know that sometime it sounds on here like all I dooo is bitch and moan but letting it all out on here saves my family an ear full.  plus it lets others know its ok to feel this way.

It feels weird actually.  I know my body pretty well.  I’ve always known I was pregnant well before a stick could tell me.  So I can tell something is different.  It even feels different down there.  But it definatly feels better than it did.  As a matter of fact.  My partner and I were just saying how about 2 years ago I had said “Do you ever wonder if sometimes you might have cancer and they’re just not catching it?”  I had always thought something was wrong with me but that there was no way to tell.  I wonder if this was it?

February 4, 2008. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Emergancy Doctors appoinment

I know I was jus complaining.  And your probably sick of hearing about it.

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January 30, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, HPV, Test Results. 2 comments.

Almost a week

I’ve still been having a bit of cramping, and I haven’t really bled.  Instead I’m passing grey and black discharge.  It’s gross.  It’s unatural and I hate it.  I feel like I don’t even know my own body.  My follow up is Feburary 13th.  I jus can’t wait for this all to go away.  there’s that word again.  wait.  I hate waiting.

I still don’t have any internet connection.  argghhh….

Sorry for all the negativity today.  I’m just fustrated with everything.  I want my body back.  My siser in-law is pregnant and all I can do is cry about it because we wanted to start trying sooo bad but now, we have to wait.   And hen there’s always this chance I migh not be able to carry.  UGGHH.  Plus I want to have sex sooo bad.  We’ve been as creative as we can but I jsut want to feel her again.  DAMN.

January 28, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, having a baby, HPV, sex. Leave a comment.

Day 3

I’m hurting sooo bad.  But I can’t blame it all on the LEEP.  Yesterday morning I fell down about 3 stairs and so now I’m in soooooo much pain it’s rediculous but sill nothing more than spotting.  I figured out the hardest part of all of this.  It’s the waiting.  The waiting to see if it’s gone.  Waiting to see if they got it all.  Waiting to have sex again.  Waiting to be able to just move on.  I thought about what I would do with this blog once the waiting was over and I finally came to the conclusion that I am going to follow HPV and just inform as many people as I can.  Keep posting information and news.  I appreciate everyones comments.  Thank you soooo much.

January 24, 2008. Tags: , , , , . Feelings, HPV, information, news, sex, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Leep Done, almost there

Well the LEEP is done.  It wasn’ as bad as I thouht.  The pain so far is only a bit unbearable.  Mostly i’s he crampin which is hard for me because I’m not bleeding, yet.  Lots of bed rest and plenty of lovin from my partner and our son is wha has otten me throuh the day.  More updaes later I promise.

January 23, 2008. Tags: , , , . Doc Appointments, HPV, Love. 1 comment.

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