The phone call

This will be (as of right now anyway) the hardest post I will write.  Within a matter of just a few minutes my life changed.  What I thought about myself and who I’ve become and my ideals about the future.

About a week to 2 ago I had a pap smear done.  Nothing big.
They’ve been a regular part of my life since I told my mother I was
sexually active.   I’ve also gotten tested for STD’s.  I’ve always had a very clean sex life.  promiscuous, yes, but I tried to be careful.  I’m defiantly not your girl next door. Unless of course she has bright pink hair.  I never thought anything about my pap’s.  They’ve always been normal and after more than ten years of them being normal why would that change?  I’m in a committed monogamous relationship and I can rest very easily at night knowing that My partner hasn’t cheated on me and vice versa.

On Thursday ( 11/28/2007 ) at 2:22 in the afternoon.

I was sitting on the floor in front of the couch.  My soo very
sick from the flu partner was laying on the couch and my job was to make sure
she was ok.  So I held her hand and rubbed her head.  Did all the “wifey” things.  We had a bad week.  Things were pretty stressful and we let friends and family cloud our judgement and coping skills.  Our marriage was on the mend.  So this Thursday was meant to nurse her health back and our marriage.  That was until the phone call at least.

My OBGYN called.  I thought she was calling to check on how I was doing on the
new birth control to help control the PMDD.  Instead she says
that she just received the results of my Pap smear and that they found abnormal cells.
When tested they tested positive for HPV.  Now all
I know about HPV is what I see on T.V.  I’ve never really heard too much about it.  But i was terrified.  She explained to me that most woman have it and don’t even know it.  She also explained that it is an STD.  I freaked out.  An STD?  I’ve NEVER cheated on my partner.  I’ve been
with her for 3 years.  how the hell can I have an STD?  She explained I have probably had it for years.  It never popped up until now and that it was normal for it to lay dormant and not be noticed.  But still an STD?  I’ve always been careful.

I was soo scared. I was scared that my partner would think I had been cheating on her.  I was afraid that  I had infected so many other people.  I wanted to talk to someone who could tell me sooo much more.  But how do you even mention it to people.  Especially at a time when we have just told our friends we needed space because of the trouble we had been having.  I sobbed uncontrolably, My partner and I just held each other and cried together.  We’ve done alot of crying since then.  So I looked up all I could online.  I found out how common it was and how dangerous it can be.  (I’ll post facts and stats in my next blog).

I’m scared, I’m a bit relieve because of what I’ve read.  But scared is a feeling that wont go away.  i want to have kids.  I want to have my own kids.  I need to.  And the fact that something could threaten that is terrifying.

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December 2, 2007. Tags: , , , , . Feelings, HPV.

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