I love advice

Especially from those without a care in the world.  I love when I tell people about whats going on and all they can say is “just don’t don’t think about it” or “put it out of your mind because theres nothing you can do about it” or better yet “It’s not a big deal, so what it they end up having to remove your uterus at least it’ll be gone”….

HELLO!

Number one, you try not to think about it for even a day.  Try not to think about the fact that should my marriage ever fail and I do date again, NOONE will touch me.  Who would want to and could you blame them?  I’m lucky I have my partner.  I’m lucky she has touched me.  I’m lucky we’ve had sex since the diagnosis (even if it was once) Most people here HPV and then run.  I think mostly because they don’t understand it, all they hear is STD.  This is a common issue on my support boards.  Rejection is a bitch.

Number two, Yeah there are things I can do about it, for starters i could make my life a little healthier, I could stop smoking, I could take better care of myself.  And by catching it early I now have the opportunity to catch cancer faster IF my body doesn’t fight it off first.

Number three.  Ya know, the other day I was sitting around thinking how cool it would be to have a hysterectomy.  It sounded like a good time and I can’t wait to call my doctor and schedule mys surgery.  Cancers fun too, the chance of is spreading.  Fun, Fun, Fun.  Damnit though, if this does get that far it could take forever, and my body still has a decent shot of taking care of business on it’s own.   Thats a shame though because nothing beats early menopause and no more kids.  I mean I’m only 27, who would want that shit anyway.

People can be sooo damn aggravating sometimes.

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December 17, 2007. Uncategorized.

3 Comments

  1. Meaghan replied:

    Hi my name is Meaghan and I am 19 years old. After coming home from my first year of college in Florida, I noticed one bump. The doctor told me it was nothing to worry about just a skin tag no big deal. Two months later there were more. The doctor could not give me a definite answer as to whether they were genital warts (HPV) because my pap smear was not until another month. So she treated them like they were and gave me Aldara cream. After two nights of using it my body reacted violently. Everything down there swelled up to the size of a baseball and I had horrible discharge and scabs and severe burning and itching. It was impossible to urinate. I was hospitalized for a night and didn’t get better until a whole week later. I was weak and tired and extremely upset thinking I was going through this horrible pain because I might have an STD, such a horrible word when you relate it to yourself. Like you said, I feel dirty and ashamed. I also feel alone and feel like nobody understands. I want to scream when people tell me stuff like “just don’t think about it” or “there could be worse things.” I know that, of course I know that but that does not in any way take away from how I feel about possibly, most likely, having HPV. I have told my boyfriend who has been very supportive but sometimes I get so aggravated cause he tries to tell me the positive and I want to think that way so badly but it’s hard and I always have to point out the negative which causes arguments, not good. My dad has been the most helpful of all, surprisingly. Although it can be an awkward topic for a daughter and father to be discussing this, he just lets me talk and cry and let it all out and in the end I think that’s all I really need just for someone to listen and just nod their head and understand so I can feel like I am not alone. My mom is just like my boyfriend always being positive and thinking I am over reacting but I truly think that only I, who possibly has the HPV, can define over reacting. Sometimes I cry and I can’t even help it. I find it very difficult to deal with this. What makes it worse is that I have not told my 3 best friends and because I am keeping it from them makes me feel like the situation is even worse. I am horribly afraid to have sex with my boyfriend. I feel awful and I want to keep him satisfied. Even worse, I don’t even know if he has HPV nor can I find out because there is no test for males created yet. I feel scared that I am capable of giving it to him and that I put him at risk. Anyways, I just had my pap smear yesterday and am in that depressing “waiting period” for my results. I am worried if a coloposcy is painful and what that entails if I do have abnormal results. I just don’t know what to do and I am lashing out at everybody and getting upset so easily. It is just so hard to take in. Just like you said it… I have an STD. I never imagined that sentenced being true. STD… everyone thinks such bad and gross things when they hear that. I don’t want to be related to that and those lines of thinking. It really depresses me. And no matter what my parents or boyfriend tell me about me being none of those things and that I am still the same person I have always been… I still feel this way. If I do have HPV I will have the virus for the rest of my life. Having genital warts is a daily reminder of that. Granted, I am so thankful it’s not cervical cancer but genital warts make me feel so dirty and ashamed. I was never one to randomly sleep with people I didn’t know. I knew who I slept with and I was always careful and safe. I mean I am not an innocent little girl who has only had sex once or twice with only one person… I have had my fair share but still. Why me is the number one question every day. No matter what the results of my pap smear, HPV or not, I have to make an appointment for a laser treatment this August where I go into the hospital for a half hour procedure using a laser to remove the warts. It is very expensive but worth it. I am very nervous I will get an infection afterward because I have read online the laser treatment for genital warts destroys the local immune system causing infections easily, reoccurrence of genital warts, or causing inactive viruses to becoming active. The only thing that confuses me is that my doctor has never confirmed me having HPV but she acts like I do. For example, like how she gave me the Aldara cream and is now referring me to a doctor for a laser treatment removal. I just don’t know and am confused. I was very inspired by your entire blog and I just wanted to share my story so far because you have and are helping me. I don’t feel so alone anymore. Thank you for everything.

  2. lc replied:

    I know how you both feel. I haven’t been diagnosed but I have warts. My mother is positive. And my boyfriend says he doesn’t care. But I care. And I know you guys do too. Just remember that 8 out of every 10 people have it. That your body can fight it off. And eventually the days seem to get easier. Its like dealing with a really bad break up it seems. And be THANKFUL you have the money to be seen. Just remember eat healthy and take vitamins! Build your immune system!

  3. Jane replied:

    Hello Meaghan. In response, I would just like to share my experience with you. Maybe you can gain something from it. I was recently diagnosed with HPV. I went in for my yearly paps mere and I waited for my results. They informed me over this answering machine service that they use at my doctors office, that I didn’t have any abnormal results. A few weeks later they called me up telling me that I had abnormal cells. So I went in for a coloscpy. Before I got it done, they informed me that I had a low-grade high risk HPV. Just like anyone else, I cried and stayed depressed for several days. I still don’t have the results from the coloscpy. As soon as I found out I told my boyfriend. Fortunately, he’s the caring and supportive type. I have felt so guilty knowing that I could have given it to him, but I’ll never know unless he develops genital warts. I research HPV as much as possible. I have found out that it can clear up on it’s own in 1-3 years, but have also found out that it will be in your system forever and you’ll just be a carrier. I have yet to show any genital warts or any other lesions. Before I was diagnosed I had constant bacterial/yeast infections. I’d like to think that they misdiagnosed me with HPV because of the inflammation in my cells caused by my infections. Because they didn’t check before they informed me of having a low grade high risk HPV I feel as if there is still hope for me. Maybe there is hope for you too.

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