Talking can sometimes be too much

 Sometimes it can be too little.

 

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I talked to my grandmother last night.  She was curious on how things were going. I told her all I could without getting into too much that would hurt her.  Until that is when she asked, “The Question”.  The question being that I must have had this a long time, because according to her I haven’t been with more than 2 people and how strange that must be.  So I told her I couldn’t lie to her and that I’ve been with my fair share of people, and I actually think I do know who I got it from.  I could tell by the silence she was disappointed, so I explained to her that even if I had been with one person it wouldn’t of mattered.  That HPV is just sooo common that most women you come in contact with either has it, or had it.  Whether they know/knew it or not.  That seemed to make her feel better, however it made me feel like shit.  I hate that I have an STD.  Even if it isn’t AIDS or HIV, it’s still something I caught.  Sometimes it makes me feel dirty.  I know there is NOTHING I could of done to not of gotten it.  Even condoms are hard to protect you from it.  And even though I was always careful of who I did sleep with it doesnt show up on a normal screening.  That hurts.  It’s like your damned if you do and your damned if you dont.

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I wish I could put the right feelings into words.  I had such a close brush with the “C” word.  Cancer.  As much as I went thru and as much as I could possibly go thru in the future, so many people have gone thru soo much more.  It’s those people, the women before me and after me who I look up to.  I know I bitch and complain but it’s them who really put up the fight.  I wish I could hug each and every one of them.  Just to tell them they have my utmost respect.

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  I got a comment on my “Test Results” entry.  It was from a young woman telling me thank you for my blog.  I cried.  It was so nice to hear from someone that they appreciate everything I type.  I get comments and emails telling me they understand and that they’re following my journey.  And those comments mean soo much.  But I really wanted to be able to really affect just one person.  Let them know they are not alone.  That they’re feelings are valid and other people feel the same way.  And she let me know exactly that.  It’s all I wanted.  I just wanted that one person.  And I got it.

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Well that’s  all for today folks.  At least for now.  I’m about to lay down, it’s been a long day.  I love you guys.  Thanks for everything.

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February 15, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV.

One Comment

  1. Chillysqeeze replied:

    Im a male 34 years of age. I lived a very outgoing, smiling life with many preety girlfriends and a number of one night stands. This came to a screetching holt about 7 yrs ago when noticed hpv bumps. I dont type well and im tired of pecking. but i read alot about hpv,i think im trying to find some normality in it. My life has changed, im not so smiley any more and i feel stuck in the relationship i was in when we found out. Seems im never going to read what i want to hear, or will ever be confident again.

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