It’s like the night before christmas


and all through the house, it was calm, and it was quiet and everything seems normal.

but the anxiety, oh god the anxiety.   maybe it was because before the leep I was CIN II with moderate cervical dysplasia and then when I went for my leep results it was in CINIII and it magically turned into severe cervical dysplasia.  Maybe it was because when my OB read me my leep results he made sure he let us know that it was more serious than anyone had thought.  Maybe it’s becuase even with a simple leep the future of me carrying a child full term can possibly be difficult.  Maybe because things were soo silent and ok before that dreaded pap smear.  Maybe it’s because I always seem to be in that 5% of people that this goes soo much worse in.  I don’t know.  All I do know is I’m scared and I’m still 4 months away from my follow up pap.  I’m scared of how scared I’m going to be the closer it gets.  My partner though keeps me in check.  She lets me know it’ll be ok.  And thats one thing I have learned if NOTHING else.  If you worry and think it’s going to be bad then it will.  But if you keep your spirits up and think the best it will turn out ok.  Is it unfair of me to put that kind of pressure on her?  I have a hard time keeping my spirits up about this.  So she keeps them up for me. I hate to put that kind of pressure on her but I need to sooo bad.  Withough her constantly telling me “baby we’ll be ok and you’ll be fine” I would lose it.

Anyway, I have easter eggs to go and hide before our son wakes up.
Ahh what it would be like to be able to turn the hand back and be a kid again.
I’m jealous.


March 23, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, having a baby, HPV, lesbian, Love, Test Results.

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