10 lbs off my back

Sometimes stress is a mother fucker.  It can wigh you down and break you to the point of no coming back.  HPV almost did that to me.  It had me soo strongly in it’s
grasp.

I had almost given in.  But then I started getting these comments.  These amazing comments of women who I’ve inadvertantly helped.  Not many, just a few.  But women, those comments help SOOOO much.

As much as reading a blog of a woman who lives somewhere out in cyber space, who blogs about some of the most ridicoulus things, who’s spelling is sometimes unbearable, who’s life can sometimes be soo uneventful, can help you, even if that blog for the day is simply “fuck HPV”.

Those comments, even if it’s just one, helps ME soo much.  Sometimes I feel alone too.  Even though I have an awesome family.  Even if I have some of the best support I could ask for.  Even though my life partner is, to me anyway, the enxt best thing since sliced bread.  Even though I have an amazing son.  I still feel lonely.  I feel alone in this horrible HPV world.

Noone I know understands HPV.  They don’t understand how you feel.  They
can’t describe the painful periods after a LEEP.  They can’t understand how
terrified you are about the fact that there is a VERY real chance that you may have trouble concieving and if you do, you may need help carrying to full term.  Noone else can understand the emotional scars and how even with them always at the forefront of your brain, you have to push them back and think POSITIVE.

But you do.  Yes you, the woman who is reading this now.  I bet youfound me
because youdid a search on HPV or a LEEP or maybe even a PAP smear.  And

somehow or another you found me.  You found a person who you can understand.  I understand the need to be quiet and just lurk.  I do it on soo  many other blogs.  But then I’ll get someone send me a comment on how much I’ve helped them.  And I cry.  I share the comment with my partner because she is amazed at the responses.  And I tear up.  And shhh, but so
does she.  I don’t know what I would of done without this blog.

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Today, I’m scared.  not sure why though.  Just all day I’ve had this scared feeling.  I don’t even know if it has anything to do with HPV.

______________________________________________________

But today is still an AWESOME day.  I lost 10 lbs!!!!  I had a check up at my primary doctors and I lost 10 lbs since I’ve been there last.  I actually think it’s 15 because I know I put on weight after I saw them last.  But who cares 10 lbs is a big deal!  I’m soo amped about losing more wieght.  I’ve gone down 2 jean sizes too.  I’m now down to a 24 and I know from the way they fit, I might just be able to squeeze into a 22 by the end of May.  You know what that means?  CLOTHES SHOPPING!  I should start a fund lol!  I know I’ve beenmore active.  I COMPLETLY hand my weight loss to HPV.  Stress makes me eat less.  And then findnig out just how close I was to cancer made me appreciate the small things more so I’ve been more active and play with my son more.  Plus we’ve been eating better because I need to keep my body in better shape so it can fight the HPV.

______________________________________________________

Well gals, have a good night.  It’s time for me to go to sleep.  I’m tired.
Good night!

 

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April 3, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized.

8 Comments

  1. Lbun-E replied:

    I just wanted thank you for everything you’ve written about here. I just got my phone call at 9:15 pm last night and right now it’s 4:26 am and I’m still trying really hard not to cry. (Being at work doesn’t help much). I just want to go home. All I can think about is how bad I want to take the hottest shower imaginable, but I know it’s not going to make me feel any better. To make this whole thing worse, HPV wasn’t the only thing they found. I was also diagnosed with gonorrhea. When the doctor told me, I almost passed out. She asked me if I was surprised, I mean what was I supposed to say?! She started asking me about my boyfriend and if he has possibly cheated on me and I know that he hasn’t. I have been with him for a little bit over a year…and then it hits me. My ex, who I was with (faithfully) for six years, cheated on me left and right and somehow it just slipped my mind to get tested since I left him in 2006. I’m POSITIVE that’s where it came from. The gonorrhea just makes me feel downright disgusting. I have no symptoms, and all I need to do to cure it is get a shot. Easy, right? Think that makes me feel any better? NO! So I call my boyfriend, and he is getting ready for work. I’m crying. I’m so scared to tell him, and I dont know what to tell him first. I dont even remember how I told him and it was only a few hours ago. He acted pretty much like it was no big deal. He has to go get a shot for the G-word, as do I, and then we can’t have sex for a week. No big deal. Not like I’ll be able to even work up the desire to have sex for awhile anyway. I keep crying and apologizing to him for not getting tested sooner, and he reminds me that he wasn’t tested for awhile either and I could have just as easily gotten both from him. We determined that who cares where it came from, the past is the past and I need to stop blaming myself.

    Either way I have rambled enough, and I need to get back to work. But thank you. I have calmed down alot since reading your blog. HPV is something I’m just going to have to live with. I’m terrified now of the whole warts thing! When you wrote about how you were almost glad that it was the cancer kind and not the warts kind I had to laugh because the same exact thought went through my head….but now it’s like i’m completely paranoid and I just want to go check myself really really well and make sure there’s nothing there….ughgh..

    Today I am definitely not too super excited about being a woman….

    Thanks for listening : )

  2. joi replied:

    1. I am soo sorry for what you are going thru. Don’t hold back the tears though. Cry. You need it. I know it hurts. And when your done crying stand up and look in the mirror. You WILL make it thru this. Just like the women before you. They have paved the way and helped make medical advances so that the doctors know how to handle your HPV. You seem to have an amazing boyrfriend.

    2. Be excited abotu being a woman! We are strong! We bear children and feed them. We work and stand on our own two feet. WE ARE AMAZING! We make it thru some of the toughest things. Tell a man he has to go thru what we do and he wouldn’t be able to handle it the way we do.

    3. I better run before my laptop battery dies. good luck and keep me posted!

    *hugs*

    -Joianne

  3. lily replied:

    Your story is so inspiring! I actually got diagnosed with HPV this past January and I am terrified! there are a lot of things i still don’t understand..I am angry because of this! I’m confused as to how I got HPV because I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 yrs and i trust him completely.

    your story made me smile today for the first time. And I just want to thank you for giving me hope.

    ~Lily

  4. Andrea replied:

    I was diagnosed with HPV last month and to tell you all the truth is scary as hell. I’m 20 year old and I know I’m young to say this but I’ve always dreamed of being a mother. And this scares me. Thinking I might not be able to be a mother. I am married and my husband was with a girl with hpv before me. But before him I was with a guy who’s been around a lot. And I feel sick cause I truly hope I got it from my husband but I rather him and not anyone else. I’m so scared. I feel guilty and I wish I wasn’t so ignorant of this so I woulda gotten the shot before even having sex.

    Joianne your post really helped. Thank you ladies for this. It definitely makes me feel like I’m not the only one

  5. Charity replied:

    As I was reading this blog about how women find you in cyberspace, I was struck by how true that must be for virtually all of your readers. It’s amazing that in this vast world with almost 7 billion people, a small community like ours can find each other and offer support, like strangers coming from every nook and cranny, sensing that we need each other. I have no friends who can quite empathize what I’m going through. I was diagnosed last year with high-risk HPV and pre-cancerous cervical cells were found. I go in for a biopsy tomorrow and am both nervous and resigned to whatever will happen. Simultaneously, the military has resolved to just totally closing out women from deploying if they have HPV, which means my career for the next few years is at a standstill.

    Thank you for having the courage to open up about this though. I was actually crying just reading about someone else who knows the chaos this throws your life into.

    • joi replied:

      Thank you soo much for your kind words. I really need to get back into posting. Life has just gotten totally busy. I keep this up though so that woman can find still find it. Through my blog I’ve been able to reach out to a few hundred readers and I personally know of a handful I’ve helped. That means so much to me. Thank you again. Spread the word, compassion and understanding is soo important when your battling something like this 🙂

  6. Lisette replied:

    Joi–

    Thanks so much for sharing this experience with the cyber world.

    I am a married 27 year old (will be 28 in January 2012), and I can’t tell you how your blog has hit home. I, too, am diagnosed with CIN2 due to HPV. I, however, never saw myself as a dirty person with an STD, mostly because my husband is so guilty at the thought of him possibly transmitting it to me. We both have had multiple partners before we met, and we have been married for 2.5 years.

    I too am worried that this could progress to CIN3 or cancer (although now, in 2011, they don’t use the pre-cancerous word). I am also worried about my LEEP procedure scheduled for 3 days from now. I am terrified of not having children. We have never tried (nor ever succeeded) in becoming pregnant, and the scary stories of an incompetent uterus’s doing is overwhelming.

    I glossed over your entries about the painful recovery from the LEEP because I don’t want to scare myself even more, but I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. Since I found out about my HPV a month ago, I have urged my mother and mother-in-law to get the girls vaccinated against this nasty virus.

    I hope you are past this and have not had to endure another LEEP.

    Thanks,

    Lisette

  7. nikon s4100 replied:

    This could be the greatest blog I have read..

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