2 1/2 years later

I can’t believe it’s been this long since I’ve posted.  Alot has changed and hopefully my typing will be one of them.

 

I’m 30 now.  Wow 30.  Such a big number but so small  at the same time.
I’m taking new classes because the classes I took back when I was writing in this never panned out.  I am now going to school to be a Medical Transcriptionist.
My son is now 8!
I am happy to announce my partner and I are still together!
We just moved and I LOVE our new place.

 

However, I haven’t had a pap in almost 2 years.  Oh GOSH I know I should be ashamed.  I know it’s horrible and terribly irresponsible.   Honestly, I’ve been scared.  I know this blog may make me seem soo brave.  But I’m terrified of having to go through this again.  I guess that might make me a bit selfish being that I have a family that I need to worry about too.

 

So I’m calling.  I am making this vow to call first thing tomorrow morning and make my appointment.  I will not run, I will face this head on.

 

In other news I’ve been catching up on approving comments that I didn’t realize I had.  When I stopped writing I pretty much decided to fall off the face of the blogging world because…. well, life happened more than anything.  but these comments are amazing!  I’m so glad that I was able to help more than just the one I intended to help!

 

I think I will pick back up posting.  See, HPV doesn’t just stop when you get the clear from your OB.  It lives on you like a badge.  I’ve helped many women both with this blog and in daily life that I’ve been able to help.  There is life after HPV.  Maybe it’s not what I’m going to talk about everyday.  maybe you won’t here those three letters out of my mouth for a whole week.  But it’s time that the women of the HPV world get to see that there is more to life than just test results and tears.  You will smile again one day I promise.  And I’m going to help show you everything you have to look forward to.

 

I will post news articles, medical findings and anything else helpful for the women that are currently going through this.

 

And now with my nifty Droid I’ll be able to post as soon as I’m thinking of something!  🙂

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October 11, 2010. Feelings, HPV. 5 comments.

Wow, it’s been a while

Not too much to post lately, although I do have a folder full of articles to post.  I will get to them by tomorrow I promise.

Updates though….

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May 22, 2008. Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, Test Results. 2 comments.

It’s like the night before christmas

Withdraw

and all through the house, it was calm, and it was quiet and everything seems normal.

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March 23, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, having a baby, HPV, lesbian, Love, Test Results. Leave a comment.

People talk too much

I don’t really care too much that people know I have HPV.  but at the same time I don’t want it published in a newspaper.  Know what I
mean?

So today while talking to an old friend, I found out that someone who by chance found out about it has been telling everyone we
both know.

I feel hurt, like I’ve been violated.  And I’m left wondering if I should feel this way.   I tell peole about it because I want women to be informed and to possibly lend a caring shoulder.  I also tell people so that the women who haven’t gotten a pap recently can and will have a reason too.  But I think it’s fair for ME to be able to choose who I want to tell that I have it.  Am I wrong?

March 17, 2008. Feelings, HPV. Leave a comment.

3 Years Strong

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Today is my 3 year anniversary with my partner.

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February 27, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love. 2 comments.

Sorry it’s been a while

I’ve been stuck on what to write.

I still have HPV.  I still am scared of what the future brings.  I still feel dirty about it all. I still ponder over who gave it to who and who it could of been passed too.  I am terrified of my pap in August.  I still have soo many questions unanswered.

So when it comes to writing on here I haven’t been sure what would be appropriate and what I could actually get out onto a screen.  Sometimes my feelings and words are so constrewed that I cant even get them out of my mouth let alone type them. Although sometimes typing is easier.  But for these things they’re not. I do have a nice little post about why today is soo special, that will be next.

I just wanted to let yall know I’m alive and well.

Smooches!

February 27, 2008. Tags: , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV. 2 comments.

Talking can sometimes be too much

 Sometimes it can be too little.

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February 15, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV. 1 comment.

Test results

I just got back from the doctors.  They upgraded the Displaysia to CINIII which was scary BUT they got everything.  So it’s gone.  I still have and will have HPV.  I go for my next pap in 6 months.  I feel alot better.  I mean it’s scary to know I was that close.  And it’s scary to think it might come back.  It’s scary to not know how it will come back if it does.  But thats sooo far into the future.  Right now I’m ok, and for me thats all that matters.  I’m no going o stop blogging.  I will keep blogging news I read and any more info I can possibly dig up.  But for now, thank you soo much for reading all of my posts and giving as much feedback as you have.  🙂

February 13, 2008. Tags: , , , . Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, news, Test Results. 3 comments.

I’m back!

The inernet is FINALLY back up!!!  I go for my follow up and results today.  My partner also goes for her booster to the vaccine.  I am definatly a little nervous.  I had sex last night/early this morning and I bled a litle bit.  I had tons of cramping afterwards too, As soon as I orgasmed it felt like someone put a knife throughthe right side of my pelvis.  I plan on brining it up today a the doctors office.  Also and I don’t know if it’s related to this or not, but my hormones have been completly out of whack.  I’ve been having intense mood swings and when I had my period last week I grew more than the normal one or two, chin hairs.  And this past period hurt like hell.  it could just be my body telling me to fuck off.  First I had my LEEP, he same day I felt better I got the flu, then just as that started to go away I got my period, now I think I have some kind of bronchitis or such, my throat has been sore for almost two weeks and I’ve been losing my voice.  I just want one day that I feel normal and ok.  One day that I don’t feel like someone shit on me.  Just one day.

Everything elseis ok.  Our son is awesome and cuter than ever, My partner and I are awesome.  I finally have a group of really close friends that I can’t ge enough of.

February 13, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, sex. Leave a comment.

Almost a week

I’ve still been having a bit of cramping, and I haven’t really bled.  Instead I’m passing grey and black discharge.  It’s gross.  It’s unatural and I hate it.  I feel like I don’t even know my own body.  My follow up is Feburary 13th.  I jus can’t wait for this all to go away.  there’s that word again.  wait.  I hate waiting.

I still don’t have any internet connection.  argghhh….

Sorry for all the negativity today.  I’m just fustrated with everything.  I want my body back.  My siser in-law is pregnant and all I can do is cry about it because we wanted to start trying sooo bad but now, we have to wait.   And hen there’s always this chance I migh not be able to carry.  UGGHH.  Plus I want to have sex sooo bad.  We’ve been as creative as we can but I jsut want to feel her again.  DAMN.

January 28, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, having a baby, HPV, sex. Leave a comment.

Day 3

I’m hurting sooo bad.  But I can’t blame it all on the LEEP.  Yesterday morning I fell down about 3 stairs and so now I’m in soooooo much pain it’s rediculous but sill nothing more than spotting.  I figured out the hardest part of all of this.  It’s the waiting.  The waiting to see if it’s gone.  Waiting to see if they got it all.  Waiting to have sex again.  Waiting to be able to just move on.  I thought about what I would do with this blog once the waiting was over and I finally came to the conclusion that I am going to follow HPV and just inform as many people as I can.  Keep posting information and news.  I appreciate everyones comments.  Thank you soooo much.

January 24, 2008. Tags: , , , , . Feelings, HPV, information, news, sex, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Good Morning and good luck

Please excuse any typos.  I have to hurry before I lose my internet and my T is working up so someimes it migh not work.

Anyway….

Tomorrow is my LEEP. I have o be a he surgery center at 10 am.  My partner and mom will be there with me.  I’m scared.  I know I shouldn’t be because women ge this done everyday.  But I’m scared because of he position of my cervix and because I’m terrified of he test results.  So to keep my mind off things here are some aricles from my support groups.  Enjoy.  And again, Thank you for all of your support!

January 21, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV. Leave a comment.

Lost somewhere in cyberspace

I am sooooo sorry I haven’t been updating.  I lost my internet connection and was just able to grab a wireless signal from outside.

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January 12, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, sex, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Sometimes it’s the approval of others

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Sometimes it’s the approval of others that is what makes me ok for this.  I wake up some mornings feeling dirty.  My head spins to wrap itself around the fact that this is not a dream.  I have an STD.  Something that is not changing.  I feel ruined and dirty.  I feel like noone would want to touch me.  Its the response from others sometimes that mean the most to me.  Sometimes my mind is so weighed down by other issues and problems so when it comes to the HPV I feel like my mind can’t handle it and I feel in denial.  So when I’m hugged, kissed and loved it’s that breath that I need just when I feel like I can’t breath anymore.

So while we’re on the topic of approvals, ALOT of people are starting to read these blogs.  Which is exactly what I wanted.  I’m anxious to see what everyone else thinks.  I’ve had a few comments but short of that I feel like I’m typing these words to a bunch of strangers.  So if your out there leave me a note to say hi.  If your just reading these for comfort thats ok too.  Keep on reading.

December 21, 2007. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.

Relieved

Oddly enough the arrival of my period today, as painful as it is, made me feel better today.  It’s nice to know at least my bodys working down there.  But at the same time, the horrible, I can’t even sit up cramps I get and the huge clots and heavy bleeding I always get make me wonder if it’s a sign of something worse.  I’m trying hard not to think that way.

On an upside, this morning while I was dropping our son off at school, I was talking to another mother, well grandmother, who told me that her daughter JUST went thru the EXACT same thing.  I started to tell her about HPV and then she told me abotu her daughter and it was like listening to her talk about me.  her daughter had the LEEP done in the end of November and they are almost positive they got all the precancerous cells.  which made me feel sooooooo better.  She was in the same stage as me and everything was similar, the ONLY difference is that her daughter knew about the HPV for a while now and she stayed stage one for a long time and then one day popped up as stage two during a check up pap smear.  but I don’t want to think more of it because if I would of had my pap on time I probably would of known sooner too.

So despite this horrible pain I’m in, today is a good day.  I feel AWESOME!

December 20, 2007. Tags: , , , . Feelings, HPV, Test Results, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Update (warning possible TMI lol)

Ok lets see.  I got my coloposcy results.  And although it’s not cancer yet it’s not going away either.  So they are going to have to perform a LEEP. The actual diagnosis is: Moderate Dysplasia (CIN II, HGSIL).  I will post links to all of this by tomorrow night, I promise.  It pretty much means they found precancerous cells and I’m at a stage they don’t want to wait with.  So they are going to take care of it on their own and just get rid of the bad cells.  My pre-op appointment is on January 9th, it should be interesting since they could hardly reach my cervix for the coloposcy, I’m anxious to see how they reach it for this.

It took me a while to post this and I’m sorry but I had to cry it out and read up on it before I felt comfortable posting about it.  The yahoo groups I belong to are awesome.  I found some of my best support (besides my partner, more on that in a second) a person could find anywhere for this.  they are knowledgeable and full of information including experiences.

Now as far as my partner goes,she is soo awesome.  For the past two days we have been having the most amazing sex.  I’m not talking about a roll in the hay, I mean football stadium advertising good. She always manages to do this at the right time.  We’ve experienced things in the past few days we haven’t experienced in the whole time we’ve been together.  And it’s been beautiful, wonderful and soo emotional.  I love this woman and I couldn’t imagine life any other way.   I couldn’t imagine going thru this with anyone else.  She lifts me up when I’m down and brings me to my senses when I am high.  When the doctor called and I broke down and cried, she immediately asked me why I was crying and she got stern with me and explained to me that instead of crying I should be jumping for joy, and she listed all the reasons why.  Like how I’m lucky they caught this now, and how it’s not cancer yet, and how I won’t die from this.  But she said one thing that hasn’t let me get down about this.  Even though I want to have another baby, should this turn into something that will prevent me, she will be my spare parts.  i wish I could explain why this means so much.  But I guess you would have to know her.

I have to run for now, mommy duties do call, but I’ll be back with links, I promise.

December 20, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, information, lesbian, Love, sex, Test Results. 1 comment.

Aggressive pre-cancerous cells

Thats what I was just told.  The doctor just called with my results from the coloposcy.  I knew it was bad as soon as I saw the number on the caller id.  I just had it done a week ago, it’s too early for results.  She said, “I’m soo sorry, I was hoping for better news, but we found aggressive pre-cancerous cells.  You have to have the leep as soon as possible.”  They don’t see “cancer” but what they do see is bad.  I’ve looked it up, but…. still….

I’ll write more later, I’m a bit pissed, and upset, and a tiny bit confused.

December 18, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , . Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, Test Results. 1 comment.

*sigh*

I’m happy.  Today is an awesome day and it just started.  I’ll have more to post later, I just wanted to tell the world I am happy today.  🙂  It feels good 🙂

I feel like a little school girl with her first crush.

The sun is shining and it makes me forget how darn cold it is outside.

Smile!  🙂

December 18, 2007. Tags: , , . Feelings, Love, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Feelings can be a bitch

Love makes a family

For an average person days are filled with ups and downs.  For me sometimes those days are filled with extremes.  There are many factors that contribute to this.  For one I’m bipolar, so normal highs and lows can be extreme at times.  It also means when presented with information like HPV I can sometimes be a bit, oh I can’t grab the word, extra (?) about the situation.  This can be a good or bad thing.  In this case, so far it seems good.  I’m also a Virgo (on the cusp of Leo), now depending on what you believe (and I strongly believe in signs) where my sign lands leaves me in a constant emotional rollercoaster.  I can be extra sentimental, something my partner has learned to cope with.  Sometimes though it can be tough for her.  I give her alot of credit
though.  I know I can be difficult, even overwhelming at times.  And lately This past week most of all, I can feel the tension building up.  Although I know there are outside influences, I blame HPV for this.  Between the horrible Pap smear she had to go thru, the emotions that we had to deal with because of my coloposcy was a bit overwhelming.  And our sex life seems to be put on hold.  She of course says she’s going thru a slump, and thats ok, but at times like this all I can think about is HPV.  I get paranoid, is that why she’s not touching me?  Is that why we can’t make love?  How could I blame her? And so I sit here and try not to think about it.  I try to only think of the positive.   I remind myself that she loves me and that we are married
(we are domestic partners, it’s all the state would allow).  I remind myself that we have a family and a bond that can
not be broken no matter who or what interferes.  But it still doesn’t take away that need to be touched, and caressed.  To be held and loved.  To be fondeled and to played with.  I miss that and I want it.  We made sure we have protection.  We have what I like to call Lesbian condoms (or rubber gloves and dental dams for all you straight people out there), So sometimes I wonder if that could be whats stopping us.  We went years with no protection, even last week.  And so to have to use them can be a little intimidating.  They make it a constant reminder of what we’re going thru.  I know a little over a week ago I wrote how we had made some of the most amazing love, I want that again.  But I don’t want to pressure her.  I’m trying to let it come when it will.  DAMN this HPV.  Why can’t I just be normal, have a normal sex life, and a normal love life.

So I guess today I’m feeling a bit fustrated, a bit sad, horney, but mostly a bit needy.  I would pick today of all days too.  She works today from
11am until 11pm.  So she left this morning at 10am ( I hope she’s not late for work) and I won’t see her until after midnight.  You guys might hear
alot from me today.  Besides taking care of our son, I need to find something to do with all of these emotions.  And that is one things blogs are good for.

P.S.  Sorry for the sad post this morning.

December 15, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, sex. Leave a comment.

Sorry for the distance

Withdraw

Now that I’m starting to get regular readers I guess I should start posting regularly.  But thats the thing with HPV, there are no symptoms with my strain.  So I can’t pop on here and say “Today was a good day no {inster symptom here}”.  Which leaves me with my feelings.  Feelings can be soo hard to seperate.  I have my good days and my bad days.  Today I contemplated calling all of the people I’ve ever had sex with.  Just to tell them they might want to get tested.  But then again, what is calling them going to accomplish?  Besides digging up old graves and communicating with people who are better left alone.  HPV is soooo common that most of them could have it and not of gotten it from me.  I’m kind of torn about it.  What would be the responible thing to do?  I’m not sure, but I definatly don’t think I will be making those phone calls.  I mean it’s HPV, not AIDS, is that wrong of me?  Yes AIDS is worse than HPV but does HPV warrent the same protocol?  Would I want the phone call to get checked?  It’s not like something you go to the doctors to get checked for.  When my partner went for her pap, they stressed to her that unless there are abnormal cells they don’t test for it.

And then there’s regular day to day crap.  It’s really hard to seperate the feelings I have with my partner and family from HPV. I want this to be somewhere people can be comforted, informed and find support.   Not somewhere I end up venting
my daily fustrations too.
So somedays I may be quieter than others.   Mostly thought thats because I may be going thru something totally unrelated and i dont want it to bleed into this blog.

December 14, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.

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