It’s like the night before christmas

Withdraw

and all through the house, it was calm, and it was quiet and everything seems normal.

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March 23, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, having a baby, HPV, lesbian, Love, Test Results. Leave a comment.

3 Years Strong

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Today is my 3 year anniversary with my partner.

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February 27, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love. 2 comments.

Lost somewhere in cyberspace

I am sooooo sorry I haven’t been updating.  I lost my internet connection and was just able to grab a wireless signal from outside.

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January 12, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, sex, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Update (warning possible TMI lol)

Ok lets see.  I got my coloposcy results.  And although it’s not cancer yet it’s not going away either.  So they are going to have to perform a LEEP. The actual diagnosis is: Moderate Dysplasia (CIN II, HGSIL).  I will post links to all of this by tomorrow night, I promise.  It pretty much means they found precancerous cells and I’m at a stage they don’t want to wait with.  So they are going to take care of it on their own and just get rid of the bad cells.  My pre-op appointment is on January 9th, it should be interesting since they could hardly reach my cervix for the coloposcy, I’m anxious to see how they reach it for this.

It took me a while to post this and I’m sorry but I had to cry it out and read up on it before I felt comfortable posting about it.  The yahoo groups I belong to are awesome.  I found some of my best support (besides my partner, more on that in a second) a person could find anywhere for this.  they are knowledgeable and full of information including experiences.

Now as far as my partner goes,she is soo awesome.  For the past two days we have been having the most amazing sex.  I’m not talking about a roll in the hay, I mean football stadium advertising good. She always manages to do this at the right time.  We’ve experienced things in the past few days we haven’t experienced in the whole time we’ve been together.  And it’s been beautiful, wonderful and soo emotional.  I love this woman and I couldn’t imagine life any other way.   I couldn’t imagine going thru this with anyone else.  She lifts me up when I’m down and brings me to my senses when I am high.  When the doctor called and I broke down and cried, she immediately asked me why I was crying and she got stern with me and explained to me that instead of crying I should be jumping for joy, and she listed all the reasons why.  Like how I’m lucky they caught this now, and how it’s not cancer yet, and how I won’t die from this.  But she said one thing that hasn’t let me get down about this.  Even though I want to have another baby, should this turn into something that will prevent me, she will be my spare parts.  i wish I could explain why this means so much.  But I guess you would have to know her.

I have to run for now, mommy duties do call, but I’ll be back with links, I promise.

December 20, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, information, lesbian, Love, sex, Test Results. 1 comment.

Feelings can be a bitch

Love makes a family

For an average person days are filled with ups and downs.  For me sometimes those days are filled with extremes.  There are many factors that contribute to this.  For one I’m bipolar, so normal highs and lows can be extreme at times.  It also means when presented with information like HPV I can sometimes be a bit, oh I can’t grab the word, extra (?) about the situation.  This can be a good or bad thing.  In this case, so far it seems good.  I’m also a Virgo (on the cusp of Leo), now depending on what you believe (and I strongly believe in signs) where my sign lands leaves me in a constant emotional rollercoaster.  I can be extra sentimental, something my partner has learned to cope with.  Sometimes though it can be tough for her.  I give her alot of credit
though.  I know I can be difficult, even overwhelming at times.  And lately This past week most of all, I can feel the tension building up.  Although I know there are outside influences, I blame HPV for this.  Between the horrible Pap smear she had to go thru, the emotions that we had to deal with because of my coloposcy was a bit overwhelming.  And our sex life seems to be put on hold.  She of course says she’s going thru a slump, and thats ok, but at times like this all I can think about is HPV.  I get paranoid, is that why she’s not touching me?  Is that why we can’t make love?  How could I blame her? And so I sit here and try not to think about it.  I try to only think of the positive.   I remind myself that she loves me and that we are married
(we are domestic partners, it’s all the state would allow).  I remind myself that we have a family and a bond that can
not be broken no matter who or what interferes.  But it still doesn’t take away that need to be touched, and caressed.  To be held and loved.  To be fondeled and to played with.  I miss that and I want it.  We made sure we have protection.  We have what I like to call Lesbian condoms (or rubber gloves and dental dams for all you straight people out there), So sometimes I wonder if that could be whats stopping us.  We went years with no protection, even last week.  And so to have to use them can be a little intimidating.  They make it a constant reminder of what we’re going thru.  I know a little over a week ago I wrote how we had made some of the most amazing love, I want that again.  But I don’t want to pressure her.  I’m trying to let it come when it will.  DAMN this HPV.  Why can’t I just be normal, have a normal sex life, and a normal love life.

So I guess today I’m feeling a bit fustrated, a bit sad, horney, but mostly a bit needy.  I would pick today of all days too.  She works today from
11am until 11pm.  So she left this morning at 10am ( I hope she’s not late for work) and I won’t see her until after midnight.  You guys might hear
alot from me today.  Besides taking care of our son, I need to find something to do with all of these emotions.  And that is one things blogs are good for.

P.S.  Sorry for the sad post this morning.

December 15, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, sex. Leave a comment.

If only this memory could fade

Fail to notice

So the days grow quieter.  We have longer and longer moments when it’s not mentioned.  Its never forgotten though. It’s kind of like knowing the person sitting next to you is wearing a red shit.  You know they are, they know they are, and your pretty sure everyone around you knows
too.  So we don’t talk about it.  Not in a bad way, but in a silent protest as to not let it get to us.  When the words are spoken though we crumble. We tear up and sometimes let those tears wash our face.  We get angry at how we’re not just a number, a percentage, a guestimate.  Even if this goes away on it’s own, we will forever have been and will be just a number.  That hurts.  I hate being a number.  We’re a statistic.

Tomorrow’s the big day, well sort of anyway.  Tomorrow I go for the coloposcy and my partner goes for her annual pap plus vaccination (her first shot in a set of 3).  She gets to be vaccinated.  She’s only 23.  I’m 27, I miss the cut off by one year.  The vaccination won’t “cure” her if she has it.  It will prevent her from getting it if she hasn’t gotten it already.  It will also prevent her from getting it i the future.  I’m soo happy about that.  At least that makes me feel better.  So in about 2 weeks we should have results.  Which means the next two weeks are going to be soo critical.  Thats the scary part.  Knowing that you are waiting for a phone call that will either release all of your stress and worries or crash your world.  So my next update will come tomorrow after my sore ass comes home and crashes, because you know I won’t be able to sleep tonight.  🙂 see ya’ll tomorrow.

By the way.  my visitor status is starting to really climb.  That makes me feel good.  It lets me know that what I’m writing is reaching people.  And that hopefully in those numbers it will mean that maybe one person was helped.  That’s all I want.  Is to be able to help at least one person.

December 10, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, Test Results. 1 comment.

Sometimes two heads are better than one

One thing that has been a constant discussion in my household is whether or not my partner (who is only 23) wants a hysterectomy.  She is very butch and hates getting her period (for more reasons than the obvious).  Plus she never wanted to birth her children.  I have always been against it.  And my main argument was “what if I get cancer and can’t have anymore kids?”  Even with that she said she wanted it.  Then I got HPV and the reasoning’s to keep her uterus became so clear all of the sudden.  Ok I’m not setting myself up for cancer, but Lets just say that was to happen.  Would I be able to carry a baby, possibly if they catch it early enough but most likely not.  but she can and will carry.  We’ve talked about it alot since the “phone call”.  I do know the thought of childbirth still makes her squeamish, but she would do it for me.  I would still pump and prepare my breasts for breastfeeding if possible so I can nurse.  If I couldn’t nurse she would pump so the baby would get breast-milk.  That’s also a big important thing for her.  Breastfeeding.  I breastfed for 2.5 years with my son.  She knows how important it is to me.

Sometimes I wonder if she’s following a script of what to say and do because so far she has been soo amazing.

December 7, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , . Feelings, having a baby, HPV, lesbian, Love. 3 comments.