It’s like the night before christmas

Withdraw

and all through the house, it was calm, and it was quiet and everything seems normal.

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March 23, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, having a baby, HPV, lesbian, Love, Test Results. Leave a comment.

3 Years Strong

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Today is my 3 year anniversary with my partner.

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February 27, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love. 2 comments.

Leep Done, almost there

Well the LEEP is done.  It wasn’ as bad as I thouht.  The pain so far is only a bit unbearable.  Mostly i’s he crampin which is hard for me because I’m not bleeding, yet.  Lots of bed rest and plenty of lovin from my partner and our son is wha has otten me throuh the day.  More updaes later I promise.

January 23, 2008. Tags: , , , . Doc Appointments, HPV, Love. 1 comment.

Lost somewhere in cyberspace

I am sooooo sorry I haven’t been updating.  I lost my internet connection and was just able to grab a wireless signal from outside.

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January 12, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, sex, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Sometimes it’s the approval of others

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Sometimes it’s the approval of others that is what makes me ok for this.  I wake up some mornings feeling dirty.  My head spins to wrap itself around the fact that this is not a dream.  I have an STD.  Something that is not changing.  I feel ruined and dirty.  I feel like noone would want to touch me.  Its the response from others sometimes that mean the most to me.  Sometimes my mind is so weighed down by other issues and problems so when it comes to the HPV I feel like my mind can’t handle it and I feel in denial.  So when I’m hugged, kissed and loved it’s that breath that I need just when I feel like I can’t breath anymore.

So while we’re on the topic of approvals, ALOT of people are starting to read these blogs.  Which is exactly what I wanted.  I’m anxious to see what everyone else thinks.  I’ve had a few comments but short of that I feel like I’m typing these words to a bunch of strangers.  So if your out there leave me a note to say hi.  If your just reading these for comfort thats ok too.  Keep on reading.

December 21, 2007. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.

Update (warning possible TMI lol)

Ok lets see.  I got my coloposcy results.  And although it’s not cancer yet it’s not going away either.  So they are going to have to perform a LEEP. The actual diagnosis is: Moderate Dysplasia (CIN II, HGSIL).  I will post links to all of this by tomorrow night, I promise.  It pretty much means they found precancerous cells and I’m at a stage they don’t want to wait with.  So they are going to take care of it on their own and just get rid of the bad cells.  My pre-op appointment is on January 9th, it should be interesting since they could hardly reach my cervix for the coloposcy, I’m anxious to see how they reach it for this.

It took me a while to post this and I’m sorry but I had to cry it out and read up on it before I felt comfortable posting about it.  The yahoo groups I belong to are awesome.  I found some of my best support (besides my partner, more on that in a second) a person could find anywhere for this.  they are knowledgeable and full of information including experiences.

Now as far as my partner goes,she is soo awesome.  For the past two days we have been having the most amazing sex.  I’m not talking about a roll in the hay, I mean football stadium advertising good. She always manages to do this at the right time.  We’ve experienced things in the past few days we haven’t experienced in the whole time we’ve been together.  And it’s been beautiful, wonderful and soo emotional.  I love this woman and I couldn’t imagine life any other way.   I couldn’t imagine going thru this with anyone else.  She lifts me up when I’m down and brings me to my senses when I am high.  When the doctor called and I broke down and cried, she immediately asked me why I was crying and she got stern with me and explained to me that instead of crying I should be jumping for joy, and she listed all the reasons why.  Like how I’m lucky they caught this now, and how it’s not cancer yet, and how I won’t die from this.  But she said one thing that hasn’t let me get down about this.  Even though I want to have another baby, should this turn into something that will prevent me, she will be my spare parts.  i wish I could explain why this means so much.  But I guess you would have to know her.

I have to run for now, mommy duties do call, but I’ll be back with links, I promise.

December 20, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, information, lesbian, Love, sex, Test Results. 1 comment.

*sigh*

I’m happy.  Today is an awesome day and it just started.  I’ll have more to post later, I just wanted to tell the world I am happy today.  🙂  It feels good 🙂

I feel like a little school girl with her first crush.

The sun is shining and it makes me forget how darn cold it is outside.

Smile!  🙂

December 18, 2007. Tags: , , . Feelings, Love, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Feelings can be a bitch

Love makes a family

For an average person days are filled with ups and downs.  For me sometimes those days are filled with extremes.  There are many factors that contribute to this.  For one I’m bipolar, so normal highs and lows can be extreme at times.  It also means when presented with information like HPV I can sometimes be a bit, oh I can’t grab the word, extra (?) about the situation.  This can be a good or bad thing.  In this case, so far it seems good.  I’m also a Virgo (on the cusp of Leo), now depending on what you believe (and I strongly believe in signs) where my sign lands leaves me in a constant emotional rollercoaster.  I can be extra sentimental, something my partner has learned to cope with.  Sometimes though it can be tough for her.  I give her alot of credit
though.  I know I can be difficult, even overwhelming at times.  And lately This past week most of all, I can feel the tension building up.  Although I know there are outside influences, I blame HPV for this.  Between the horrible Pap smear she had to go thru, the emotions that we had to deal with because of my coloposcy was a bit overwhelming.  And our sex life seems to be put on hold.  She of course says she’s going thru a slump, and thats ok, but at times like this all I can think about is HPV.  I get paranoid, is that why she’s not touching me?  Is that why we can’t make love?  How could I blame her? And so I sit here and try not to think about it.  I try to only think of the positive.   I remind myself that she loves me and that we are married
(we are domestic partners, it’s all the state would allow).  I remind myself that we have a family and a bond that can
not be broken no matter who or what interferes.  But it still doesn’t take away that need to be touched, and caressed.  To be held and loved.  To be fondeled and to played with.  I miss that and I want it.  We made sure we have protection.  We have what I like to call Lesbian condoms (or rubber gloves and dental dams for all you straight people out there), So sometimes I wonder if that could be whats stopping us.  We went years with no protection, even last week.  And so to have to use them can be a little intimidating.  They make it a constant reminder of what we’re going thru.  I know a little over a week ago I wrote how we had made some of the most amazing love, I want that again.  But I don’t want to pressure her.  I’m trying to let it come when it will.  DAMN this HPV.  Why can’t I just be normal, have a normal sex life, and a normal love life.

So I guess today I’m feeling a bit fustrated, a bit sad, horney, but mostly a bit needy.  I would pick today of all days too.  She works today from
11am until 11pm.  So she left this morning at 10am ( I hope she’s not late for work) and I won’t see her until after midnight.  You guys might hear
alot from me today.  Besides taking care of our son, I need to find something to do with all of these emotions.  And that is one things blogs are good for.

P.S.  Sorry for the sad post this morning.

December 15, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, sex. Leave a comment.

Sorry for the distance

Withdraw

Now that I’m starting to get regular readers I guess I should start posting regularly.  But thats the thing with HPV, there are no symptoms with my strain.  So I can’t pop on here and say “Today was a good day no {inster symptom here}”.  Which leaves me with my feelings.  Feelings can be soo hard to seperate.  I have my good days and my bad days.  Today I contemplated calling all of the people I’ve ever had sex with.  Just to tell them they might want to get tested.  But then again, what is calling them going to accomplish?  Besides digging up old graves and communicating with people who are better left alone.  HPV is soooo common that most of them could have it and not of gotten it from me.  I’m kind of torn about it.  What would be the responible thing to do?  I’m not sure, but I definatly don’t think I will be making those phone calls.  I mean it’s HPV, not AIDS, is that wrong of me?  Yes AIDS is worse than HPV but does HPV warrent the same protocol?  Would I want the phone call to get checked?  It’s not like something you go to the doctors to get checked for.  When my partner went for her pap, they stressed to her that unless there are abnormal cells they don’t test for it.

And then there’s regular day to day crap.  It’s really hard to seperate the feelings I have with my partner and family from HPV. I want this to be somewhere people can be comforted, informed and find support.   Not somewhere I end up venting
my daily fustrations too.
So somedays I may be quieter than others.   Mostly thought thats because I may be going thru something totally unrelated and i dont want it to bleed into this blog.

December 14, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.

Did you know you could grab a cervix?

Yeah either did I.

So we went for our testig today.  First let me tell you how at my OB’s office we are somewhat famous.  It’s kinda cute.  They all know us and they all know we’re a couple.  So when I made this appointment I made my partners imedietly after mine so that we could hold each others hands.  And the doctors office not only did that but they treated us like we mattered.  They knew we were scared and so they made sure we were taken care of.

We did my coloposcy first.  This is not for pussies.  There are three things you need when going for you coloposcy, 1.  rainbow toe socks (I wore mine and it eased the tension, mine at least, plus made the doc laugh 🙂  ), 2.  a full bladder (the need a sample, noone told me this so I peed before i left the house, mommy manners, and of course I couldn’t even get a drop out), 3.  some gulible persons hand (see below).

If I wasn’t given the gift of a tilted uterus I’m sure this would of been sooo much easier.  But since my uterus and cerivx like to hide, my doctor had to “grab” it and “pull” it closer.  Oh my god.  I never thought I would experience childbirth without the reward at the end. My poor partner had the life squeezed out of her hand.   She was awesome though.  And then my woderful, loving doctor says, I’m going to have to take the sample.  And she tells me it’s going to hurt and she’s sorry and that she will let me know before the “punch”.  I  thought I was going to die.  After all is said and done, it really doesn’t hurt too bad.  A bit of cramping and a bit sore, but ok.  The doctor came back to the room to say my cells were still abnormal so we should have results in a few weeks, I have my result appointment on January 8th.

My partners pap was next.  This poor thing.  For most woman a pap smear is simple, a bit uncomfortable, but doable on your lunch break even.  Not for my baby.  She doesn’t get penetrated and when she does I have to under extreme caution.  She has a very narrow opening and a very small vagina.  Fingers can hurt if done the wrong way.   She tried wiggiling off the table and runinng away, but again my doctor is awesome. She body tackled her and wrestled her to the table, ok not really but she sure as hell got the job done.  Poor thing has been sore since.

I guess thats all, Our day since then has been uneventful, thank god.
Time to make dinner.  🙂

**UPDATE**
For anyone reading this looking to see what their coloposcy is going to entail, The procedure itself isn’t bad.  It was that bad for me because my uterus is tilted. My cervix was out of reach.  Until she grabbed my cervix the procedure was at the most uncomfortable.

December 11, 2007. Tags: , , , , , . Doc Appointments, HPV, information, Love. Leave a comment.

If only this memory could fade

Fail to notice

So the days grow quieter.  We have longer and longer moments when it’s not mentioned.  Its never forgotten though. It’s kind of like knowing the person sitting next to you is wearing a red shit.  You know they are, they know they are, and your pretty sure everyone around you knows
too.  So we don’t talk about it.  Not in a bad way, but in a silent protest as to not let it get to us.  When the words are spoken though we crumble. We tear up and sometimes let those tears wash our face.  We get angry at how we’re not just a number, a percentage, a guestimate.  Even if this goes away on it’s own, we will forever have been and will be just a number.  That hurts.  I hate being a number.  We’re a statistic.

Tomorrow’s the big day, well sort of anyway.  Tomorrow I go for the coloposcy and my partner goes for her annual pap plus vaccination (her first shot in a set of 3).  She gets to be vaccinated.  She’s only 23.  I’m 27, I miss the cut off by one year.  The vaccination won’t “cure” her if she has it.  It will prevent her from getting it if she hasn’t gotten it already.  It will also prevent her from getting it i the future.  I’m soo happy about that.  At least that makes me feel better.  So in about 2 weeks we should have results.  Which means the next two weeks are going to be soo critical.  Thats the scary part.  Knowing that you are waiting for a phone call that will either release all of your stress and worries or crash your world.  So my next update will come tomorrow after my sore ass comes home and crashes, because you know I won’t be able to sleep tonight.  🙂 see ya’ll tomorrow.

By the way.  my visitor status is starting to really climb.  That makes me feel good.  It lets me know that what I’m writing is reaching people.  And that hopefully in those numbers it will mean that maybe one person was helped.  That’s all I want.  Is to be able to help at least one person.

December 10, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, Test Results. 1 comment.

Friends, not always a big help

Friends can be a big help.  They can lend a shoulder to cry on.  Sometimes a voice of reason.
And in some cases they might even have a story to share of their own.

Sometimes the total opposite can happen.  In a simple phone call of looking for Someone who was able to tell me their story the word got out.  Now something that is/was very private for me and my partner has turned into local gossip.  Just when our marriage was coming back alive we got met with critizism, lies, anger and confusion.

I have kept my journey as private as I could while at the same time sharing the most intimate part of my life with the world.  You know about me
and my family but you dont know our names, where we live or who
we are.  The closest inkling of an idea is the web address.  And even that
may/may not be real.   Noone I know reads this or even has the ability
to read this, except for my mother and father who I have no problem
sharig this with.  So to have people talking about me and what is going on
in my personal life hurts.  I just want my privacy.  Oddly enough I have all
the privacy I need on a public blog.  Weird how that works.

So today was a bad day emotionally.  The reality of me having to watch who
I talk to and about what hit home hard.  But IN aspects of love, family and outlook,
today was good.

How was your day?

December 8, 2007. Tags: , , , , . Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.

Sometimes two heads are better than one

One thing that has been a constant discussion in my household is whether or not my partner (who is only 23) wants a hysterectomy.  She is very butch and hates getting her period (for more reasons than the obvious).  Plus she never wanted to birth her children.  I have always been against it.  And my main argument was “what if I get cancer and can’t have anymore kids?”  Even with that she said she wanted it.  Then I got HPV and the reasoning’s to keep her uterus became so clear all of the sudden.  Ok I’m not setting myself up for cancer, but Lets just say that was to happen.  Would I be able to carry a baby, possibly if they catch it early enough but most likely not.  but she can and will carry.  We’ve talked about it alot since the “phone call”.  I do know the thought of childbirth still makes her squeamish, but she would do it for me.  I would still pump and prepare my breasts for breastfeeding if possible so I can nurse.  If I couldn’t nurse she would pump so the baby would get breast-milk.  That’s also a big important thing for her.  Breastfeeding.  I breastfed for 2.5 years with my son.  She knows how important it is to me.

Sometimes I wonder if she’s following a script of what to say and do because so far she has been soo amazing.

December 7, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , . Feelings, having a baby, HPV, lesbian, Love. 3 comments.

It’s impossible to feel sorry for myself

I guess when it boils down to it, life’s not so bad.  So I have HPV (wow thats hard to type some days), but medicine has advanced so far that I will be ok.  In the long run anyway, physically anyway.  I should be.  Thats what the doctors say.  Everythig I read says different.  But I am trying not to think about that part.

But then I joined these support groups online.  They’ve been a big help because
there are very knowledgible people on them.  You can ask any amount of questions
and have them answered.  But then there’s the posts from the people whos
homelife and support system are nothing compared to mine.  I feel soo bad for them.
I want to hug them and hold them and tell them it’ll be alright.  It’s not fair to go
thru this alone.  Thank god for my partner, I don’t know what I would do without her.

I guess sometimes life just isn’t fair.  Everywhere you turn your stepping into crap
and you can’e escape the smell of it.  I jsut wish I could clean all that shit up for
everyone.  I hate seeing people hurt.

December 7, 2007. Tags: , , , , . Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.

Sometimes the most ugly things can be beautiful

I didn’t intend to get as personal as I’m about to get.  But HPV is personal.  And the way you transmitt this monster is just as personal.  So my need to share something this intamate is unavoidable. be forwarned of TMI.

Last night for the first time since the “phone call” my partner and I had sex.  No I take that back, we made love.  it was probably some of the most meaningful love we have ever made.  I was scared and nervous.  I was scared we would start and she would ask to stop.  I was scared to not feel her against me.  I needed her more last night than I ever have.  And it was BEAUTIFUL!  She knew just how to touch me.  Just how to love me. Everthing that has been running through my mind disapeared for an hour.  She made me feel sooo wonderful.  I never thought she would want to touch me again.  She made me feel human again.  Alive, like a breath of fresh air.  She reminded me just how much we meant to each other.

There is a sex life after HPV!

I haven’t felt this ok with myself in a week.  When we were done we talked and she held me.  I made her read this blog.  She told me how she has my back and how yes she was scared but why should a phone call about something I had no control over change how much she loves me or wants me.  It was like someone told her exactly what to say and do.  I could never place a price tag on how she made me feel.

I hope that whoever is reading this has a support or a spouse like this.  And if you don’t please know that when you find true love, someone who loves you for all that you bring to the table, HPV will not be a big deal.  Don’t be scared to tell them about HPV or your feelings about it.   And if your with someone who can’t treat you the way I’ve been treated FORGET them.  She showed me just how strong our love was.  THAT is why I married her.  THAT is why I agreed to sign those papers.  If I wasn’t able to share my feelings with her and know that she coudn’t tell me how she felt about it, those papers would mean NOTHING.

December 6, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , . Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.