I’m back!

The inernet is FINALLY back up!!!  I go for my follow up and results today.  My partner also goes for her booster to the vaccine.  I am definatly a little nervous.  I had sex last night/early this morning and I bled a litle bit.  I had tons of cramping afterwards too, As soon as I orgasmed it felt like someone put a knife throughthe right side of my pelvis.  I plan on brining it up today a the doctors office.  Also and I don’t know if it’s related to this or not, but my hormones have been completly out of whack.  I’ve been having intense mood swings and when I had my period last week I grew more than the normal one or two, chin hairs.  And this past period hurt like hell.  it could just be my body telling me to fuck off.  First I had my LEEP, he same day I felt better I got the flu, then just as that started to go away I got my period, now I think I have some kind of bronchitis or such, my throat has been sore for almost two weeks and I’ve been losing my voice.  I just want one day that I feel normal and ok.  One day that I don’t feel like someone shit on me.  Just one day.

Everything elseis ok.  Our son is awesome and cuter than ever, My partner and I are awesome.  I finally have a group of really close friends that I can’t ge enough of.

February 13, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, sex. Leave a comment.

Almost a week

I’ve still been having a bit of cramping, and I haven’t really bled.  Instead I’m passing grey and black discharge.  It’s gross.  It’s unatural and I hate it.  I feel like I don’t even know my own body.  My follow up is Feburary 13th.  I jus can’t wait for this all to go away.  there’s that word again.  wait.  I hate waiting.

I still don’t have any internet connection.  argghhh….

Sorry for all the negativity today.  I’m just fustrated with everything.  I want my body back.  My siser in-law is pregnant and all I can do is cry about it because we wanted to start trying sooo bad but now, we have to wait.   And hen there’s always this chance I migh not be able to carry.  UGGHH.  Plus I want to have sex sooo bad.  We’ve been as creative as we can but I jsut want to feel her again.  DAMN.

January 28, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, having a baby, HPV, sex. Leave a comment.

Day 3

I’m hurting sooo bad.  But I can’t blame it all on the LEEP.  Yesterday morning I fell down about 3 stairs and so now I’m in soooooo much pain it’s rediculous but sill nothing more than spotting.  I figured out the hardest part of all of this.  It’s the waiting.  The waiting to see if it’s gone.  Waiting to see if they got it all.  Waiting to have sex again.  Waiting to be able to just move on.  I thought about what I would do with this blog once the waiting was over and I finally came to the conclusion that I am going to follow HPV and just inform as many people as I can.  Keep posting information and news.  I appreciate everyones comments.  Thank you soooo much.

January 24, 2008. Tags: , , , , . Feelings, HPV, information, news, sex, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Lost somewhere in cyberspace

I am sooooo sorry I haven’t been updating.  I lost my internet connection and was just able to grab a wireless signal from outside.

(more…)

January 12, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, sex, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Update (warning possible TMI lol)

Ok lets see.  I got my coloposcy results.  And although it’s not cancer yet it’s not going away either.  So they are going to have to perform a LEEP. The actual diagnosis is: Moderate Dysplasia (CIN II, HGSIL).  I will post links to all of this by tomorrow night, I promise.  It pretty much means they found precancerous cells and I’m at a stage they don’t want to wait with.  So they are going to take care of it on their own and just get rid of the bad cells.  My pre-op appointment is on January 9th, it should be interesting since they could hardly reach my cervix for the coloposcy, I’m anxious to see how they reach it for this.

It took me a while to post this and I’m sorry but I had to cry it out and read up on it before I felt comfortable posting about it.  The yahoo groups I belong to are awesome.  I found some of my best support (besides my partner, more on that in a second) a person could find anywhere for this.  they are knowledgeable and full of information including experiences.

Now as far as my partner goes,she is soo awesome.  For the past two days we have been having the most amazing sex.  I’m not talking about a roll in the hay, I mean football stadium advertising good. She always manages to do this at the right time.  We’ve experienced things in the past few days we haven’t experienced in the whole time we’ve been together.  And it’s been beautiful, wonderful and soo emotional.  I love this woman and I couldn’t imagine life any other way.   I couldn’t imagine going thru this with anyone else.  She lifts me up when I’m down and brings me to my senses when I am high.  When the doctor called and I broke down and cried, she immediately asked me why I was crying and she got stern with me and explained to me that instead of crying I should be jumping for joy, and she listed all the reasons why.  Like how I’m lucky they caught this now, and how it’s not cancer yet, and how I won’t die from this.  But she said one thing that hasn’t let me get down about this.  Even though I want to have another baby, should this turn into something that will prevent me, she will be my spare parts.  i wish I could explain why this means so much.  But I guess you would have to know her.

I have to run for now, mommy duties do call, but I’ll be back with links, I promise.

December 20, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, information, lesbian, Love, sex, Test Results. 1 comment.

Feelings can be a bitch

Love makes a family

For an average person days are filled with ups and downs.  For me sometimes those days are filled with extremes.  There are many factors that contribute to this.  For one I’m bipolar, so normal highs and lows can be extreme at times.  It also means when presented with information like HPV I can sometimes be a bit, oh I can’t grab the word, extra (?) about the situation.  This can be a good or bad thing.  In this case, so far it seems good.  I’m also a Virgo (on the cusp of Leo), now depending on what you believe (and I strongly believe in signs) where my sign lands leaves me in a constant emotional rollercoaster.  I can be extra sentimental, something my partner has learned to cope with.  Sometimes though it can be tough for her.  I give her alot of credit
though.  I know I can be difficult, even overwhelming at times.  And lately This past week most of all, I can feel the tension building up.  Although I know there are outside influences, I blame HPV for this.  Between the horrible Pap smear she had to go thru, the emotions that we had to deal with because of my coloposcy was a bit overwhelming.  And our sex life seems to be put on hold.  She of course says she’s going thru a slump, and thats ok, but at times like this all I can think about is HPV.  I get paranoid, is that why she’s not touching me?  Is that why we can’t make love?  How could I blame her? And so I sit here and try not to think about it.  I try to only think of the positive.   I remind myself that she loves me and that we are married
(we are domestic partners, it’s all the state would allow).  I remind myself that we have a family and a bond that can
not be broken no matter who or what interferes.  But it still doesn’t take away that need to be touched, and caressed.  To be held and loved.  To be fondeled and to played with.  I miss that and I want it.  We made sure we have protection.  We have what I like to call Lesbian condoms (or rubber gloves and dental dams for all you straight people out there), So sometimes I wonder if that could be whats stopping us.  We went years with no protection, even last week.  And so to have to use them can be a little intimidating.  They make it a constant reminder of what we’re going thru.  I know a little over a week ago I wrote how we had made some of the most amazing love, I want that again.  But I don’t want to pressure her.  I’m trying to let it come when it will.  DAMN this HPV.  Why can’t I just be normal, have a normal sex life, and a normal love life.

So I guess today I’m feeling a bit fustrated, a bit sad, horney, but mostly a bit needy.  I would pick today of all days too.  She works today from
11am until 11pm.  So she left this morning at 10am ( I hope she’s not late for work) and I won’t see her until after midnight.  You guys might hear
alot from me today.  Besides taking care of our son, I need to find something to do with all of these emotions.  And that is one things blogs are good for.

P.S.  Sorry for the sad post this morning.

December 15, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, sex. Leave a comment.