10 lbs off my back

Sometimes stress is a mother fucker.  It can wigh you down and break you to the point of no coming back.  HPV almost did that to me.  It had me soo strongly in it’s
grasp.

I had almost given in.  But then I started getting these comments.  These amazing comments of women who I’ve inadvertantly helped.  Not many, just a few.  But women, those comments help SOOOO much.

As much as reading a blog of a woman who lives somewhere out in cyber space, who blogs about some of the most ridicoulus things, who’s spelling is sometimes unbearable, who’s life can sometimes be soo uneventful, can help you, even if that blog for the day is simply “fuck HPV”.

Those comments, even if it’s just one, helps ME soo much.  Sometimes I feel alone too.  Even though I have an awesome family.  Even if I have some of the best support I could ask for.  Even though my life partner is, to me anyway, the enxt best thing since sliced bread.  Even though I have an amazing son.  I still feel lonely.  I feel alone in this horrible HPV world.

Noone I know understands HPV.  They don’t understand how you feel.  They
can’t describe the painful periods after a LEEP.  They can’t understand how
terrified you are about the fact that there is a VERY real chance that you may have trouble concieving and if you do, you may need help carrying to full term.  Noone else can understand the emotional scars and how even with them always at the forefront of your brain, you have to push them back and think POSITIVE.

But you do.  Yes you, the woman who is reading this now.  I bet youfound me
because youdid a search on HPV or a LEEP or maybe even a PAP smear.  And

somehow or another you found me.  You found a person who you can understand.  I understand the need to be quiet and just lurk.  I do it on soo  many other blogs.  But then I’ll get someone send me a comment on how much I’ve helped them.  And I cry.  I share the comment with my partner because she is amazed at the responses.  And I tear up.  And shhh, but so
does she.  I don’t know what I would of done without this blog.

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Today, I’m scared.  not sure why though.  Just all day I’ve had this scared feeling.  I don’t even know if it has anything to do with HPV.

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But today is still an AWESOME day.  I lost 10 lbs!!!!  I had a check up at my primary doctors and I lost 10 lbs since I’ve been there last.  I actually think it’s 15 because I know I put on weight after I saw them last.  But who cares 10 lbs is a big deal!  I’m soo amped about losing more wieght.  I’ve gone down 2 jean sizes too.  I’m now down to a 24 and I know from the way they fit, I might just be able to squeeze into a 22 by the end of May.  You know what that means?  CLOTHES SHOPPING!  I should start a fund lol!  I know I’ve beenmore active.  I COMPLETLY hand my weight loss to HPV.  Stress makes me eat less.  And then findnig out just how close I was to cancer made me appreciate the small things more so I’ve been more active and play with my son more.  Plus we’ve been eating better because I need to keep my body in better shape so it can fight the HPV.

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Well gals, have a good night.  It’s time for me to go to sleep.  I’m tired.
Good night!

 

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April 3, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 8 comments.

What to do while you wait

Oddly enough when I check my stats for this blog I get alot search result links for “what to do while you wait for HPV results”.  So I thought maybe a list would help us.  I know I’ve been havin the occasional anxiety attack about what’s next.  I’m teriffied about my next pap and the wait to see if the HPV is still active or worse yet, what if they find something abnormal again?

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April 1, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . Doc Appointments, HPV, Test Results, Uncategorized. 7 comments.

A little off topic.

I have a domestic partnership with my partner.  We never  got the civil union because all of the rules aren’t in our favor and it’s just plain not fair.

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February 20, 2008. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Just a little personal.

Ok so if you really are offended easily STOP here.  DO NOT CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO READ THE REST OF THE POST.

You have been warned.

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February 19, 2008. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

I’m cool and getting better

Now if only I could have sex.  I miss that soo much, but in due time.  The infection is gone.  Just in time of course to get the flu.  But even thats going away.  The emotional scars hurt.  I know that sometime it sounds on here like all I dooo is bitch and moan but letting it all out on here saves my family an ear full.  plus it lets others know its ok to feel this way.

It feels weird actually.  I know my body pretty well.  I’ve always known I was pregnant well before a stick could tell me.  So I can tell something is different.  It even feels different down there.  But it definatly feels better than it did.  As a matter of fact.  My partner and I were just saying how about 2 years ago I had said “Do you ever wonder if sometimes you might have cancer and they’re just not catching it?”  I had always thought something was wrong with me but that there was no way to tell.  I wonder if this was it?

February 4, 2008. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

January is cervical health awareness month

January is cervical health awareness month
By Meredith Gardner meredith.gardner@theindependent.com

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January 21, 2008. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. 3 comments.

HPV infections common among women who’ve only had one partner: study

I wish evevryone knew just how common this really is:

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January 21, 2008. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

High pre-cone HR-HPV load predicts persistent infection

This can be scary, I try no to think his far in advanced, but for those who are here:

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January 21, 2008. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Relieved

Oddly enough the arrival of my period today, as painful as it is, made me feel better today.  It’s nice to know at least my bodys working down there.  But at the same time, the horrible, I can’t even sit up cramps I get and the huge clots and heavy bleeding I always get make me wonder if it’s a sign of something worse.  I’m trying hard not to think that way.

On an upside, this morning while I was dropping our son off at school, I was talking to another mother, well grandmother, who told me that her daughter JUST went thru the EXACT same thing.  I started to tell her about HPV and then she told me abotu her daughter and it was like listening to her talk about me.  her daughter had the LEEP done in the end of November and they are almost positive they got all the precancerous cells.  which made me feel sooooooo better.  She was in the same stage as me and everything was similar, the ONLY difference is that her daughter knew about the HPV for a while now and she stayed stage one for a long time and then one day popped up as stage two during a check up pap smear.  but I don’t want to think more of it because if I would of had my pap on time I probably would of known sooner too.

So despite this horrible pain I’m in, today is a good day.  I feel AWESOME!

December 20, 2007. Tags: , , , . Feelings, HPV, Test Results, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

*sigh*

I’m happy.  Today is an awesome day and it just started.  I’ll have more to post later, I just wanted to tell the world I am happy today.  🙂  It feels good 🙂

I feel like a little school girl with her first crush.

The sun is shining and it makes me forget how darn cold it is outside.

Smile!  🙂

December 18, 2007. Tags: , , . Feelings, Love, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

I love advice

Especially from those without a care in the world.  I love when I tell people about whats going on and all they can say is “just don’t don’t think about it” or “put it out of your mind because theres nothing you can do about it” or better yet “It’s not a big deal, so what it they end up having to remove your uterus at least it’ll be gone”….

HELLO!

Number one, you try not to think about it for even a day.  Try not to think about the fact that should my marriage ever fail and I do date again, NOONE will touch me.  Who would want to and could you blame them?  I’m lucky I have my partner.  I’m lucky she has touched me.  I’m lucky we’ve had sex since the diagnosis (even if it was once) Most people here HPV and then run.  I think mostly because they don’t understand it, all they hear is STD.  This is a common issue on my support boards.  Rejection is a bitch.

Number two, Yeah there are things I can do about it, for starters i could make my life a little healthier, I could stop smoking, I could take better care of myself.  And by catching it early I now have the opportunity to catch cancer faster IF my body doesn’t fight it off first.

Number three.  Ya know, the other day I was sitting around thinking how cool it would be to have a hysterectomy.  It sounded like a good time and I can’t wait to call my doctor and schedule mys surgery.  Cancers fun too, the chance of is spreading.  Fun, Fun, Fun.  Damnit though, if this does get that far it could take forever, and my body still has a decent shot of taking care of business on it’s own.   Thats a shame though because nothing beats early menopause and no more kids.  I mean I’m only 27, who would want that shit anyway.

People can be sooo damn aggravating sometimes.

December 17, 2007. Uncategorized. 3 comments.

Sometimes things left unsaid aren’t always the best

Well lets see, how is my day going.  I have 2 very important posts in the process besides this one.  I think I might want to space them out though, this way when I do have an ehh kind of day I will be able to post something for you guys.  One is on a Medical warning which I will be posting imediatly and the other is on love.

My partner called to let me know she gets out early.  🙂  That means I get to spend some time with her.  One thing I love
about us is that she seems to sense when I’m feeling blue.  I never keep it from her.  On the days she doesn’t seem to sense it
I have to make sure she knows.  And no matter what I learned I need to talk to her more abotu what it is exactly thats bothering me.  This is something I used to be great at, but because of other things going on I kind of hid from in a sense.  Communication is soo important.  it’s probably my best advice for anyone.  If you remember reading in the begining in my intro I had said the “phone call” came when  I was busy mending my sick partner and our marriage.  Without getting into details, because there are things I would like to keep private, a big part of the problem we were having was me expecting her to be a mind reader and to instantly know my feelings and how to fix them.  HPV has cured that.  So today she definatly seems to see it.  Her voice seems to be softer, the I love you’s seem to roll off her tounge like honey, she manages to know exactly what to say to make me feel better.  It’s almost like she has a wire to my brain and she knows what it is I’m upset about.

She makes dealing with HPV bearable and livable.  She constantly reminds me that we can get the test results and it could be gone,
but at the same time she understands why I’m scared because she is too.

So if your going thru this or anything similar, I beg, urge, and plead for you to find someone like this.  I’m not saying you need to find a romantic
involvement, that would be wrong on soo many levels.  But please look around you.  There has to be someone who loves you and who you love enough
to be there for you in this fashion.  Your mother, father, cousin, friend, sibling, online buddy, somone is willing to lend an ear.  And if by some
chance you can’t find that, find an online or face to face support group.  Yahoo has plenty I’m a member to a bunch.  Shoot if you need some type
of direction, email me.  Leave a comment.  Just don’t go thru this alone.

December 15, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Those Stats and Info

I know I promised these so here they are:

(just for INFO, I have a high risk type, which one exactly I will find out in about 3 weeks once my test results come back.
I do not have warts as of now)

Cancer.gov

Definition:
HPV
Human papillomavirus. A member of a family of viruses that can cause abnormal tissue growth (for example, genital warts) and other changes to cells. Infection with certain types of HPV increases the risk of developing cervical cancer. Also called human papillomavirus.

More after the break

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December 5, 2007. Tags: , , , , , . HPV, information, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Dirty

Sometimes I feel dirty.  A shower never manages to make me feel all clean.  I have an STD.  I have an STD.  Thats hard for me to wrap my head around.  I’ve always been sooo fucken careful.  I tell people how I feel about this and they say “but HPV is so common, alot of people have it.”  Well alot of people have AIDS mother fucker but it doesn’t make them feel any better does it?  Maybe when I go for my coloposcy it will be almost gone.  But what won’t change is I will still have/had an STD.

I love my partner.  She still makes me feel so pretty and sexy.
She is being the best support I could ask for.  I don’t know what I would do without her.

December 5, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , . HPV, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Introduction

First I thought it might be nice for you to know about me.  After all you did find my page and by the way you found it I bet we have something very important in common.

I am 27.  I’m kinda stuck at that adult but begging to be a youngin stage.  Not thirty but it is sure as hell approaching faster than I thought it would.   I have an amazing son.  He is five years old.  I never knew such a tiny thing could make every breath I take worth it.  Everyday, good or bad, he manages to show me just why waking up was worth it.  I’m married.  This to me is one of life’s greatest accomplishments.  It’s something I vowed I would never do.  But then I met this amazing woman.  She swept me off my feet from day one and I havent hit the ground yet.  Without her life would be unbearable.  I guess that means that you figured out I’m a lesbian.  Yeah.  And I love it.  Our son hasn’t seen his “sperm donor” in about 4 years.  And for the past three my partner has been there for every scraped knee, and accomplishment along the way.  She is called Daddy and is done so in the most loving way possible.  She embraces the word Daddy and fulfills every bit of meaning.

I am a stay at home mom.  This is sooo important to me.  It means I don’t miss the years that many parents wish they paid more attention too.  I am a room mom and go on field trips and participate in class parties.  Our son LOVES this.  it’s some of the best time we have spent together.

But I’ll cut to the chase.  The reason you found this blog, three days ago (11/28/2007) at 2:22pm eastern standard time, my OBGYN called me to discuss some abnormal cells found on my pap smear.
I have been diagnosed with HPV.  I’ve only heard of the vaccine.  I have no idea what this monster is.  This blog and what you will be reading is my journey through this.  This, with the help of my family and friends is the only way I’m going to make it.  Even if it ends up being a fleeting moment of my life that goes away as quickly as it came, Someone out there will read this, and they too will know that they are not the only ones who cried after they hung up the phone.  If I can bring that comfort to just one person.  Every word I type is worth it.

Enjoy.

December 1, 2007. Tags: , , . HPV, introduction, Uncategorized. 3 comments.