Emergancy Doctors appoinment

I know I was jus complaining.  And your probably sick of hearing about it.

(more…)

January 30, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, HPV, Test Results. 2 comments.

If only this memory could fade

Fail to notice

So the days grow quieter.  We have longer and longer moments when it’s not mentioned.  Its never forgotten though. It’s kind of like knowing the person sitting next to you is wearing a red shit.  You know they are, they know they are, and your pretty sure everyone around you knows
too.  So we don’t talk about it.  Not in a bad way, but in a silent protest as to not let it get to us.  When the words are spoken though we crumble. We tear up and sometimes let those tears wash our face.  We get angry at how we’re not just a number, a percentage, a guestimate.  Even if this goes away on it’s own, we will forever have been and will be just a number.  That hurts.  I hate being a number.  We’re a statistic.

Tomorrow’s the big day, well sort of anyway.  Tomorrow I go for the coloposcy and my partner goes for her annual pap plus vaccination (her first shot in a set of 3).  She gets to be vaccinated.  She’s only 23.  I’m 27, I miss the cut off by one year.  The vaccination won’t “cure” her if she has it.  It will prevent her from getting it if she hasn’t gotten it already.  It will also prevent her from getting it i the future.  I’m soo happy about that.  At least that makes me feel better.  So in about 2 weeks we should have results.  Which means the next two weeks are going to be soo critical.  Thats the scary part.  Knowing that you are waiting for a phone call that will either release all of your stress and worries or crash your world.  So my next update will come tomorrow after my sore ass comes home and crashes, because you know I won’t be able to sleep tonight.  🙂 see ya’ll tomorrow.

By the way.  my visitor status is starting to really climb.  That makes me feel good.  It lets me know that what I’m writing is reaching people.  And that hopefully in those numbers it will mean that maybe one person was helped.  That’s all I want.  Is to be able to help at least one person.

December 10, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, Test Results. 1 comment.

Sex after HPV

I am terrified to have sex.  I know I shouldn’t be.  We’ve been having sex this long without knowing.  I know one more time won’t matter.  Or will it.  It’s that unknown that is sooo scarey and cold.  She’s just as scared as I am.  To think that I gave her an STD without even knowing it.  Without even having any idea.  So we think of ideas like rubber gloves and condoms for the toys.  But it feels so impersonable after having sex for all these years without any of that.  I dont want to use those things.  I want to feel her.  her skin against mine.  I want to feel like there is no barrier. I can’t blame her for feeling this way.  And I feel the same way about it. If I havent given it to her yet, I want to avoid anything that will evenput her at the slightest risk.

Will we make it through HPV?  God I hope so.

December 2, 2007. Tags: , , , , , . HPV. Leave a comment.

The phone call

This will be (as of right now anyway) the hardest post I will write.  Within a matter of just a few minutes my life changed.  What I thought about myself and who I’ve become and my ideals about the future.

About a week to 2 ago I had a pap smear done.  Nothing big.
They’ve been a regular part of my life since I told my mother I was
sexually active.   I’ve also gotten tested for STD’s.  I’ve always had a very clean sex life.  promiscuous, yes, but I tried to be careful.  I’m defiantly not your girl next door. Unless of course she has bright pink hair.  I never thought anything about my pap’s.  They’ve always been normal and after more than ten years of them being normal why would that change?  I’m in a committed monogamous relationship and I can rest very easily at night knowing that My partner hasn’t cheated on me and vice versa.

On Thursday ( 11/28/2007 ) at 2:22 in the afternoon.

I was sitting on the floor in front of the couch.  My soo very
sick from the flu partner was laying on the couch and my job was to make sure
she was ok.  So I held her hand and rubbed her head.  Did all the “wifey” things.  We had a bad week.  Things were pretty stressful and we let friends and family cloud our judgement and coping skills.  Our marriage was on the mend.  So this Thursday was meant to nurse her health back and our marriage.  That was until the phone call at least.

My OBGYN called.  I thought she was calling to check on how I was doing on the
new birth control to help control the PMDD.  Instead she says
that she just received the results of my Pap smear and that they found abnormal cells.
When tested they tested positive for HPV.  Now all
I know about HPV is what I see on T.V.  I’ve never really heard too much about it.  But i was terrified.  She explained to me that most woman have it and don’t even know it.  She also explained that it is an STD.  I freaked out.  An STD?  I’ve NEVER cheated on my partner.  I’ve been
with her for 3 years.  how the hell can I have an STD?  She explained I have probably had it for years.  It never popped up until now and that it was normal for it to lay dormant and not be noticed.  But still an STD?  I’ve always been careful.

I was soo scared. I was scared that my partner would think I had been cheating on her.  I was afraid that  I had infected so many other people.  I wanted to talk to someone who could tell me sooo much more.  But how do you even mention it to people.  Especially at a time when we have just told our friends we needed space because of the trouble we had been having.  I sobbed uncontrolably, My partner and I just held each other and cried together.  We’ve done alot of crying since then.  So I looked up all I could online.  I found out how common it was and how dangerous it can be.  (I’ll post facts and stats in my next blog).

I’m scared, I’m a bit relieve because of what I’ve read.  But scared is a feeling that wont go away.  i want to have kids.  I want to have my own kids.  I need to.  And the fact that something could threaten that is terrifying.

December 2, 2007. Tags: , , , , . Feelings, HPV. Leave a comment.