It’s like the night before christmas

Withdraw

and all through the house, it was calm, and it was quiet and everything seems normal.

(more…)

March 23, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, having a baby, HPV, lesbian, Love, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Sometimes things left unsaid aren’t always the best

Well lets see, how is my day going.  I have 2 very important posts in the process besides this one.  I think I might want to space them out though, this way when I do have an ehh kind of day I will be able to post something for you guys.  One is on a Medical warning which I will be posting imediatly and the other is on love.

My partner called to let me know she gets out early.  🙂  That means I get to spend some time with her.  One thing I love
about us is that she seems to sense when I’m feeling blue.  I never keep it from her.  On the days she doesn’t seem to sense it
I have to make sure she knows.  And no matter what I learned I need to talk to her more abotu what it is exactly thats bothering me.  This is something I used to be great at, but because of other things going on I kind of hid from in a sense.  Communication is soo important.  it’s probably my best advice for anyone.  If you remember reading in the begining in my intro I had said the “phone call” came when  I was busy mending my sick partner and our marriage.  Without getting into details, because there are things I would like to keep private, a big part of the problem we were having was me expecting her to be a mind reader and to instantly know my feelings and how to fix them.  HPV has cured that.  So today she definatly seems to see it.  Her voice seems to be softer, the I love you’s seem to roll off her tounge like honey, she manages to know exactly what to say to make me feel better.  It’s almost like she has a wire to my brain and she knows what it is I’m upset about.

She makes dealing with HPV bearable and livable.  She constantly reminds me that we can get the test results and it could be gone,
but at the same time she understands why I’m scared because she is too.

So if your going thru this or anything similar, I beg, urge, and plead for you to find someone like this.  I’m not saying you need to find a romantic
involvement, that would be wrong on soo many levels.  But please look around you.  There has to be someone who loves you and who you love enough
to be there for you in this fashion.  Your mother, father, cousin, friend, sibling, online buddy, somone is willing to lend an ear.  And if by some
chance you can’t find that, find an online or face to face support group.  Yahoo has plenty I’m a member to a bunch.  Shoot if you need some type
of direction, email me.  Leave a comment.  Just don’t go thru this alone.

December 15, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Feelings can be a bitch

Love makes a family

For an average person days are filled with ups and downs.  For me sometimes those days are filled with extremes.  There are many factors that contribute to this.  For one I’m bipolar, so normal highs and lows can be extreme at times.  It also means when presented with information like HPV I can sometimes be a bit, oh I can’t grab the word, extra (?) about the situation.  This can be a good or bad thing.  In this case, so far it seems good.  I’m also a Virgo (on the cusp of Leo), now depending on what you believe (and I strongly believe in signs) where my sign lands leaves me in a constant emotional rollercoaster.  I can be extra sentimental, something my partner has learned to cope with.  Sometimes though it can be tough for her.  I give her alot of credit
though.  I know I can be difficult, even overwhelming at times.  And lately This past week most of all, I can feel the tension building up.  Although I know there are outside influences, I blame HPV for this.  Between the horrible Pap smear she had to go thru, the emotions that we had to deal with because of my coloposcy was a bit overwhelming.  And our sex life seems to be put on hold.  She of course says she’s going thru a slump, and thats ok, but at times like this all I can think about is HPV.  I get paranoid, is that why she’s not touching me?  Is that why we can’t make love?  How could I blame her? And so I sit here and try not to think about it.  I try to only think of the positive.   I remind myself that she loves me and that we are married
(we are domestic partners, it’s all the state would allow).  I remind myself that we have a family and a bond that can
not be broken no matter who or what interferes.  But it still doesn’t take away that need to be touched, and caressed.  To be held and loved.  To be fondeled and to played with.  I miss that and I want it.  We made sure we have protection.  We have what I like to call Lesbian condoms (or rubber gloves and dental dams for all you straight people out there), So sometimes I wonder if that could be whats stopping us.  We went years with no protection, even last week.  And so to have to use them can be a little intimidating.  They make it a constant reminder of what we’re going thru.  I know a little over a week ago I wrote how we had made some of the most amazing love, I want that again.  But I don’t want to pressure her.  I’m trying to let it come when it will.  DAMN this HPV.  Why can’t I just be normal, have a normal sex life, and a normal love life.

So I guess today I’m feeling a bit fustrated, a bit sad, horney, but mostly a bit needy.  I would pick today of all days too.  She works today from
11am until 11pm.  So she left this morning at 10am ( I hope she’s not late for work) and I won’t see her until after midnight.  You guys might hear
alot from me today.  Besides taking care of our son, I need to find something to do with all of these emotions.  And that is one things blogs are good for.

P.S.  Sorry for the sad post this morning.

December 15, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, sex. Leave a comment.

Sorry for the distance

Withdraw

Now that I’m starting to get regular readers I guess I should start posting regularly.  But thats the thing with HPV, there are no symptoms with my strain.  So I can’t pop on here and say “Today was a good day no {inster symptom here}”.  Which leaves me with my feelings.  Feelings can be soo hard to seperate.  I have my good days and my bad days.  Today I contemplated calling all of the people I’ve ever had sex with.  Just to tell them they might want to get tested.  But then again, what is calling them going to accomplish?  Besides digging up old graves and communicating with people who are better left alone.  HPV is soooo common that most of them could have it and not of gotten it from me.  I’m kind of torn about it.  What would be the responible thing to do?  I’m not sure, but I definatly don’t think I will be making those phone calls.  I mean it’s HPV, not AIDS, is that wrong of me?  Yes AIDS is worse than HPV but does HPV warrent the same protocol?  Would I want the phone call to get checked?  It’s not like something you go to the doctors to get checked for.  When my partner went for her pap, they stressed to her that unless there are abnormal cells they don’t test for it.

And then there’s regular day to day crap.  It’s really hard to seperate the feelings I have with my partner and family from HPV. I want this to be somewhere people can be comforted, informed and find support.   Not somewhere I end up venting
my daily fustrations too.
So somedays I may be quieter than others.   Mostly thought thats because I may be going thru something totally unrelated and i dont want it to bleed into this blog.

December 14, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.

If only this memory could fade

Fail to notice

So the days grow quieter.  We have longer and longer moments when it’s not mentioned.  Its never forgotten though. It’s kind of like knowing the person sitting next to you is wearing a red shit.  You know they are, they know they are, and your pretty sure everyone around you knows
too.  So we don’t talk about it.  Not in a bad way, but in a silent protest as to not let it get to us.  When the words are spoken though we crumble. We tear up and sometimes let those tears wash our face.  We get angry at how we’re not just a number, a percentage, a guestimate.  Even if this goes away on it’s own, we will forever have been and will be just a number.  That hurts.  I hate being a number.  We’re a statistic.

Tomorrow’s the big day, well sort of anyway.  Tomorrow I go for the coloposcy and my partner goes for her annual pap plus vaccination (her first shot in a set of 3).  She gets to be vaccinated.  She’s only 23.  I’m 27, I miss the cut off by one year.  The vaccination won’t “cure” her if she has it.  It will prevent her from getting it if she hasn’t gotten it already.  It will also prevent her from getting it i the future.  I’m soo happy about that.  At least that makes me feel better.  So in about 2 weeks we should have results.  Which means the next two weeks are going to be soo critical.  Thats the scary part.  Knowing that you are waiting for a phone call that will either release all of your stress and worries or crash your world.  So my next update will come tomorrow after my sore ass comes home and crashes, because you know I won’t be able to sleep tonight.  🙂 see ya’ll tomorrow.

By the way.  my visitor status is starting to really climb.  That makes me feel good.  It lets me know that what I’m writing is reaching people.  And that hopefully in those numbers it will mean that maybe one person was helped.  That’s all I want.  Is to be able to help at least one person.

December 10, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, Test Results. 1 comment.