10 lbs off my back

Sometimes stress is a mother fucker.  It can wigh you down and break you to the point of no coming back.  HPV almost did that to me.  It had me soo strongly in it’s
grasp.

I had almost given in.  But then I started getting these comments.  These amazing comments of women who I’ve inadvertantly helped.  Not many, just a few.  But women, those comments help SOOOO much.

As much as reading a blog of a woman who lives somewhere out in cyber space, who blogs about some of the most ridicoulus things, who’s spelling is sometimes unbearable, who’s life can sometimes be soo uneventful, can help you, even if that blog for the day is simply “fuck HPV”.

Those comments, even if it’s just one, helps ME soo much.  Sometimes I feel alone too.  Even though I have an awesome family.  Even if I have some of the best support I could ask for.  Even though my life partner is, to me anyway, the enxt best thing since sliced bread.  Even though I have an amazing son.  I still feel lonely.  I feel alone in this horrible HPV world.

Noone I know understands HPV.  They don’t understand how you feel.  They
can’t describe the painful periods after a LEEP.  They can’t understand how
terrified you are about the fact that there is a VERY real chance that you may have trouble concieving and if you do, you may need help carrying to full term.  Noone else can understand the emotional scars and how even with them always at the forefront of your brain, you have to push them back and think POSITIVE.

But you do.  Yes you, the woman who is reading this now.  I bet youfound me
because youdid a search on HPV or a LEEP or maybe even a PAP smear.  And

somehow or another you found me.  You found a person who you can understand.  I understand the need to be quiet and just lurk.  I do it on soo  many other blogs.  But then I’ll get someone send me a comment on how much I’ve helped them.  And I cry.  I share the comment with my partner because she is amazed at the responses.  And I tear up.  And shhh, but so
does she.  I don’t know what I would of done without this blog.

_____________________________________________________

Today, I’m scared.  not sure why though.  Just all day I’ve had this scared feeling.  I don’t even know if it has anything to do with HPV.

______________________________________________________

But today is still an AWESOME day.  I lost 10 lbs!!!!  I had a check up at my primary doctors and I lost 10 lbs since I’ve been there last.  I actually think it’s 15 because I know I put on weight after I saw them last.  But who cares 10 lbs is a big deal!  I’m soo amped about losing more wieght.  I’ve gone down 2 jean sizes too.  I’m now down to a 24 and I know from the way they fit, I might just be able to squeeze into a 22 by the end of May.  You know what that means?  CLOTHES SHOPPING!  I should start a fund lol!  I know I’ve beenmore active.  I COMPLETLY hand my weight loss to HPV.  Stress makes me eat less.  And then findnig out just how close I was to cancer made me appreciate the small things more so I’ve been more active and play with my son more.  Plus we’ve been eating better because I need to keep my body in better shape so it can fight the HPV.

______________________________________________________

Well gals, have a good night.  It’s time for me to go to sleep.  I’m tired.
Good night!

 

Advertisements

April 3, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 8 comments.

What to do while you wait

Oddly enough when I check my stats for this blog I get alot search result links for “what to do while you wait for HPV results”.  So I thought maybe a list would help us.  I know I’ve been havin the occasional anxiety attack about what’s next.  I’m teriffied about my next pap and the wait to see if the HPV is still active or worse yet, what if they find something abnormal again?

(more…)

April 1, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . Doc Appointments, HPV, Test Results, Uncategorized. 7 comments.

Sometimes things left unsaid aren’t always the best

Well lets see, how is my day going.  I have 2 very important posts in the process besides this one.  I think I might want to space them out though, this way when I do have an ehh kind of day I will be able to post something for you guys.  One is on a Medical warning which I will be posting imediatly and the other is on love.

My partner called to let me know she gets out early.  🙂  That means I get to spend some time with her.  One thing I love
about us is that she seems to sense when I’m feeling blue.  I never keep it from her.  On the days she doesn’t seem to sense it
I have to make sure she knows.  And no matter what I learned I need to talk to her more abotu what it is exactly thats bothering me.  This is something I used to be great at, but because of other things going on I kind of hid from in a sense.  Communication is soo important.  it’s probably my best advice for anyone.  If you remember reading in the begining in my intro I had said the “phone call” came when  I was busy mending my sick partner and our marriage.  Without getting into details, because there are things I would like to keep private, a big part of the problem we were having was me expecting her to be a mind reader and to instantly know my feelings and how to fix them.  HPV has cured that.  So today she definatly seems to see it.  Her voice seems to be softer, the I love you’s seem to roll off her tounge like honey, she manages to know exactly what to say to make me feel better.  It’s almost like she has a wire to my brain and she knows what it is I’m upset about.

She makes dealing with HPV bearable and livable.  She constantly reminds me that we can get the test results and it could be gone,
but at the same time she understands why I’m scared because she is too.

So if your going thru this or anything similar, I beg, urge, and plead for you to find someone like this.  I’m not saying you need to find a romantic
involvement, that would be wrong on soo many levels.  But please look around you.  There has to be someone who loves you and who you love enough
to be there for you in this fashion.  Your mother, father, cousin, friend, sibling, online buddy, somone is willing to lend an ear.  And if by some
chance you can’t find that, find an online or face to face support group.  Yahoo has plenty I’m a member to a bunch.  Shoot if you need some type
of direction, email me.  Leave a comment.  Just don’t go thru this alone.

December 15, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Some more links for you

For some more reading and more support try this page:
http://www.thehpvtest.com/
it was sent to me via a comment and I’m checing it out now.  So far it seems to
be extremly helpful and informative.  Youll also find others like me on there.  Let me know how you like it

For some even more reading with some technical jargon but tons of info check out:
http://www.aegis.com/pubs/gmhc/1992/GM060707.html

December 7, 2007. Tags: , , . HPV, information. Leave a comment.

Today was hard

It’s been on my mind all day.  I can’t seem to try and forget it.  I look at women we pass on the street and in the store, I look at friends we have, and all I can think is any one of these woman could be clean.  So why me?  I know alot of people have it, but why do I have to be included.  Why did I have to put my partner at risk.  She is the most amazing woman I have ever met.  And I could of unknowingly hurt her.  I’m sitting across the table looking at her now.  She has done nothing but hold me up and make me feel amazing.  I want to cry.  I want to ball myself up and just cry until the tears stop.  But I can’t.  I need to be strong.  I need to show my family how I can be strong and pull through this.  But it’s soo hard to do that.  I have so many other things on my mind and this is just a cloud that my mind can’t escape.  I look at her and I want to curl up in her arms.  Do
these feelings ever go away?

December 6, 2007. Tags: , , , , , . Feelings, HPV. Leave a comment.