Putting it off.

Not too much going on lately.  Things have been pretty quiet.  I had my period a week ago and it was my most painful one yet since my leep, that kind of scares me.  I’ve been putting off calling my Ob to schedule my pap, I’m almost due.  i really should call.  I’m scared.  I keep getting told that the percentage of women who “replapse” or show more Dysplasia is small, but so far, thru this whole thing I’ve been in that small percentage.  For once I want to be in that big percentage.  I’m crossing my fingers.  I guess I’ll make the call today.  I have too.  It’s getting late.

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April 18, 2008. Tags: , , . coping, Doc Appointments, HPV, information, Test Results. Leave a comment.

10 lbs off my back

Sometimes stress is a mother fucker.  It can wigh you down and break you to the point of no coming back.  HPV almost did that to me.  It had me soo strongly in it’s
grasp.

I had almost given in.  But then I started getting these comments.  These amazing comments of women who I’ve inadvertantly helped.  Not many, just a few.  But women, those comments help SOOOO much.

As much as reading a blog of a woman who lives somewhere out in cyber space, who blogs about some of the most ridicoulus things, who’s spelling is sometimes unbearable, who’s life can sometimes be soo uneventful, can help you, even if that blog for the day is simply “fuck HPV”.

Those comments, even if it’s just one, helps ME soo much.  Sometimes I feel alone too.  Even though I have an awesome family.  Even if I have some of the best support I could ask for.  Even though my life partner is, to me anyway, the enxt best thing since sliced bread.  Even though I have an amazing son.  I still feel lonely.  I feel alone in this horrible HPV world.

Noone I know understands HPV.  They don’t understand how you feel.  They
can’t describe the painful periods after a LEEP.  They can’t understand how
terrified you are about the fact that there is a VERY real chance that you may have trouble concieving and if you do, you may need help carrying to full term.  Noone else can understand the emotional scars and how even with them always at the forefront of your brain, you have to push them back and think POSITIVE.

But you do.  Yes you, the woman who is reading this now.  I bet youfound me
because youdid a search on HPV or a LEEP or maybe even a PAP smear.  And

somehow or another you found me.  You found a person who you can understand.  I understand the need to be quiet and just lurk.  I do it on soo  many other blogs.  But then I’ll get someone send me a comment on how much I’ve helped them.  And I cry.  I share the comment with my partner because she is amazed at the responses.  And I tear up.  And shhh, but so
does she.  I don’t know what I would of done without this blog.

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Today, I’m scared.  not sure why though.  Just all day I’ve had this scared feeling.  I don’t even know if it has anything to do with HPV.

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But today is still an AWESOME day.  I lost 10 lbs!!!!  I had a check up at my primary doctors and I lost 10 lbs since I’ve been there last.  I actually think it’s 15 because I know I put on weight after I saw them last.  But who cares 10 lbs is a big deal!  I’m soo amped about losing more wieght.  I’ve gone down 2 jean sizes too.  I’m now down to a 24 and I know from the way they fit, I might just be able to squeeze into a 22 by the end of May.  You know what that means?  CLOTHES SHOPPING!  I should start a fund lol!  I know I’ve beenmore active.  I COMPLETLY hand my weight loss to HPV.  Stress makes me eat less.  And then findnig out just how close I was to cancer made me appreciate the small things more so I’ve been more active and play with my son more.  Plus we’ve been eating better because I need to keep my body in better shape so it can fight the HPV.

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Well gals, have a good night.  It’s time for me to go to sleep.  I’m tired.
Good night!

 

April 3, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 8 comments.

What to do while you wait

Oddly enough when I check my stats for this blog I get alot search result links for “what to do while you wait for HPV results”.  So I thought maybe a list would help us.  I know I’ve been havin the occasional anxiety attack about what’s next.  I’m teriffied about my next pap and the wait to see if the HPV is still active or worse yet, what if they find something abnormal again?

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April 1, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . Doc Appointments, HPV, Test Results, Uncategorized. 7 comments.

It’s like the night before christmas

Withdraw

and all through the house, it was calm, and it was quiet and everything seems normal.

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March 23, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, having a baby, HPV, lesbian, Love, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Sorry it’s been a while

I’ve been stuck on what to write.

I still have HPV.  I still am scared of what the future brings.  I still feel dirty about it all. I still ponder over who gave it to who and who it could of been passed too.  I am terrified of my pap in August.  I still have soo many questions unanswered.

So when it comes to writing on here I haven’t been sure what would be appropriate and what I could actually get out onto a screen.  Sometimes my feelings and words are so constrewed that I cant even get them out of my mouth let alone type them. Although sometimes typing is easier.  But for these things they’re not. I do have a nice little post about why today is soo special, that will be next.

I just wanted to let yall know I’m alive and well.

Smooches!

February 27, 2008. Tags: , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV. 2 comments.

Talking can sometimes be too much

 Sometimes it can be too little.

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February 15, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV. 1 comment.

Test results

I just got back from the doctors.  They upgraded the Displaysia to CINIII which was scary BUT they got everything.  So it’s gone.  I still have and will have HPV.  I go for my next pap in 6 months.  I feel alot better.  I mean it’s scary to know I was that close.  And it’s scary to think it might come back.  It’s scary to not know how it will come back if it does.  But thats sooo far into the future.  Right now I’m ok, and for me thats all that matters.  I’m no going o stop blogging.  I will keep blogging news I read and any more info I can possibly dig up.  But for now, thank you soo much for reading all of my posts and giving as much feedback as you have.  🙂

February 13, 2008. Tags: , , , . Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, news, Test Results. 3 comments.

I’m back!

The inernet is FINALLY back up!!!  I go for my follow up and results today.  My partner also goes for her booster to the vaccine.  I am definatly a little nervous.  I had sex last night/early this morning and I bled a litle bit.  I had tons of cramping afterwards too, As soon as I orgasmed it felt like someone put a knife throughthe right side of my pelvis.  I plan on brining it up today a the doctors office.  Also and I don’t know if it’s related to this or not, but my hormones have been completly out of whack.  I’ve been having intense mood swings and when I had my period last week I grew more than the normal one or two, chin hairs.  And this past period hurt like hell.  it could just be my body telling me to fuck off.  First I had my LEEP, he same day I felt better I got the flu, then just as that started to go away I got my period, now I think I have some kind of bronchitis or such, my throat has been sore for almost two weeks and I’ve been losing my voice.  I just want one day that I feel normal and ok.  One day that I don’t feel like someone shit on me.  Just one day.

Everything elseis ok.  Our son is awesome and cuter than ever, My partner and I are awesome.  I finally have a group of really close friends that I can’t ge enough of.

February 13, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, sex. Leave a comment.

Emergancy Doctors appoinment

I know I was jus complaining.  And your probably sick of hearing about it.

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January 30, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, HPV, Test Results. 2 comments.

Almost a week

I’ve still been having a bit of cramping, and I haven’t really bled.  Instead I’m passing grey and black discharge.  It’s gross.  It’s unatural and I hate it.  I feel like I don’t even know my own body.  My follow up is Feburary 13th.  I jus can’t wait for this all to go away.  there’s that word again.  wait.  I hate waiting.

I still don’t have any internet connection.  argghhh….

Sorry for all the negativity today.  I’m just fustrated with everything.  I want my body back.  My siser in-law is pregnant and all I can do is cry about it because we wanted to start trying sooo bad but now, we have to wait.   And hen there’s always this chance I migh not be able to carry.  UGGHH.  Plus I want to have sex sooo bad.  We’ve been as creative as we can but I jsut want to feel her again.  DAMN.

January 28, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, having a baby, HPV, sex. Leave a comment.

Day 3

I’m hurting sooo bad.  But I can’t blame it all on the LEEP.  Yesterday morning I fell down about 3 stairs and so now I’m in soooooo much pain it’s rediculous but sill nothing more than spotting.  I figured out the hardest part of all of this.  It’s the waiting.  The waiting to see if it’s gone.  Waiting to see if they got it all.  Waiting to have sex again.  Waiting to be able to just move on.  I thought about what I would do with this blog once the waiting was over and I finally came to the conclusion that I am going to follow HPV and just inform as many people as I can.  Keep posting information and news.  I appreciate everyones comments.  Thank you soooo much.

January 24, 2008. Tags: , , , , . Feelings, HPV, information, news, sex, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Leep Done, almost there

Well the LEEP is done.  It wasn’ as bad as I thouht.  The pain so far is only a bit unbearable.  Mostly i’s he crampin which is hard for me because I’m not bleeding, yet.  Lots of bed rest and plenty of lovin from my partner and our son is wha has otten me throuh the day.  More updaes later I promise.

January 23, 2008. Tags: , , , . Doc Appointments, HPV, Love. 1 comment.

January is cervical health awareness month

January is cervical health awareness month
By Meredith Gardner meredith.gardner@theindependent.com

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January 21, 2008. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. 3 comments.

Marijuana Ingredients Slow Invasion by Cervical and Lung Cancer Cells

This is my favorite article.

Marijuana Ingredients Slow Invasion by Cervical and Lung Cancer Cells

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January 21, 2008. Tags: , , , . HPV, information, news. 1 comment.

Good Morning and good luck

Please excuse any typos.  I have to hurry before I lose my internet and my T is working up so someimes it migh not work.

Anyway….

Tomorrow is my LEEP. I have o be a he surgery center at 10 am.  My partner and mom will be there with me.  I’m scared.  I know I shouldn’t be because women ge this done everyday.  But I’m scared because of he position of my cervix and because I’m terrified of he test results.  So to keep my mind off things here are some aricles from my support groups.  Enjoy.  And again, Thank you for all of your support!

January 21, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV. Leave a comment.

Lost somewhere in cyberspace

I am sooooo sorry I haven’t been updating.  I lost my internet connection and was just able to grab a wireless signal from outside.

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January 12, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, sex, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Sometimes it’s the approval of others

hyde_hugs_study_large.jpg

Sometimes it’s the approval of others that is what makes me ok for this.  I wake up some mornings feeling dirty.  My head spins to wrap itself around the fact that this is not a dream.  I have an STD.  Something that is not changing.  I feel ruined and dirty.  I feel like noone would want to touch me.  Its the response from others sometimes that mean the most to me.  Sometimes my mind is so weighed down by other issues and problems so when it comes to the HPV I feel like my mind can’t handle it and I feel in denial.  So when I’m hugged, kissed and loved it’s that breath that I need just when I feel like I can’t breath anymore.

So while we’re on the topic of approvals, ALOT of people are starting to read these blogs.  Which is exactly what I wanted.  I’m anxious to see what everyone else thinks.  I’ve had a few comments but short of that I feel like I’m typing these words to a bunch of strangers.  So if your out there leave me a note to say hi.  If your just reading these for comfort thats ok too.  Keep on reading.

December 21, 2007. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.

Relieved

Oddly enough the arrival of my period today, as painful as it is, made me feel better today.  It’s nice to know at least my bodys working down there.  But at the same time, the horrible, I can’t even sit up cramps I get and the huge clots and heavy bleeding I always get make me wonder if it’s a sign of something worse.  I’m trying hard not to think that way.

On an upside, this morning while I was dropping our son off at school, I was talking to another mother, well grandmother, who told me that her daughter JUST went thru the EXACT same thing.  I started to tell her about HPV and then she told me abotu her daughter and it was like listening to her talk about me.  her daughter had the LEEP done in the end of November and they are almost positive they got all the precancerous cells.  which made me feel sooooooo better.  She was in the same stage as me and everything was similar, the ONLY difference is that her daughter knew about the HPV for a while now and she stayed stage one for a long time and then one day popped up as stage two during a check up pap smear.  but I don’t want to think more of it because if I would of had my pap on time I probably would of known sooner too.

So despite this horrible pain I’m in, today is a good day.  I feel AWESOME!

December 20, 2007. Tags: , , , . Feelings, HPV, Test Results, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Update (warning possible TMI lol)

Ok lets see.  I got my coloposcy results.  And although it’s not cancer yet it’s not going away either.  So they are going to have to perform a LEEP. The actual diagnosis is: Moderate Dysplasia (CIN II, HGSIL).  I will post links to all of this by tomorrow night, I promise.  It pretty much means they found precancerous cells and I’m at a stage they don’t want to wait with.  So they are going to take care of it on their own and just get rid of the bad cells.  My pre-op appointment is on January 9th, it should be interesting since they could hardly reach my cervix for the coloposcy, I’m anxious to see how they reach it for this.

It took me a while to post this and I’m sorry but I had to cry it out and read up on it before I felt comfortable posting about it.  The yahoo groups I belong to are awesome.  I found some of my best support (besides my partner, more on that in a second) a person could find anywhere for this.  they are knowledgeable and full of information including experiences.

Now as far as my partner goes,she is soo awesome.  For the past two days we have been having the most amazing sex.  I’m not talking about a roll in the hay, I mean football stadium advertising good. She always manages to do this at the right time.  We’ve experienced things in the past few days we haven’t experienced in the whole time we’ve been together.  And it’s been beautiful, wonderful and soo emotional.  I love this woman and I couldn’t imagine life any other way.   I couldn’t imagine going thru this with anyone else.  She lifts me up when I’m down and brings me to my senses when I am high.  When the doctor called and I broke down and cried, she immediately asked me why I was crying and she got stern with me and explained to me that instead of crying I should be jumping for joy, and she listed all the reasons why.  Like how I’m lucky they caught this now, and how it’s not cancer yet, and how I won’t die from this.  But she said one thing that hasn’t let me get down about this.  Even though I want to have another baby, should this turn into something that will prevent me, she will be my spare parts.  i wish I could explain why this means so much.  But I guess you would have to know her.

I have to run for now, mommy duties do call, but I’ll be back with links, I promise.

December 20, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, information, lesbian, Love, sex, Test Results. 1 comment.

MEDICAL WARNING

I’m trying to figure out how I can make this more predominant on my page but for now here goes:

I AM NOT A DOCTOR, NOR DO I PLAY ONE ON T.V.!  PLEASE DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING I SAY AS MEDICAL ADVICE OR AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR MEDICAL ADVICE.  IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE A MEDICAL PROBLEM, SUCH AS HPV AS MENTIONED IN MY BLOG, PLEASE SEE A DOCTOR.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program……..

December 17, 2007. Tags: , , , . Doc Appointments, HPV, information. Leave a comment.

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