3 Years Strong

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Today is my 3 year anniversary with my partner.

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February 27, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love. 2 comments.

I’m back!

The inernet is FINALLY back up!!!  I go for my follow up and results today.  My partner also goes for her booster to the vaccine.  I am definatly a little nervous.  I had sex last night/early this morning and I bled a litle bit.  I had tons of cramping afterwards too, As soon as I orgasmed it felt like someone put a knife throughthe right side of my pelvis.  I plan on brining it up today a the doctors office.  Also and I don’t know if it’s related to this or not, but my hormones have been completly out of whack.  I’ve been having intense mood swings and when I had my period last week I grew more than the normal one or two, chin hairs.  And this past period hurt like hell.  it could just be my body telling me to fuck off.  First I had my LEEP, he same day I felt better I got the flu, then just as that started to go away I got my period, now I think I have some kind of bronchitis or such, my throat has been sore for almost two weeks and I’ve been losing my voice.  I just want one day that I feel normal and ok.  One day that I don’t feel like someone shit on me.  Just one day.

Everything elseis ok.  Our son is awesome and cuter than ever, My partner and I are awesome.  I finally have a group of really close friends that I can’t ge enough of.

February 13, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, sex. Leave a comment.

Leep Done, almost there

Well the LEEP is done.  It wasn’ as bad as I thouht.  The pain so far is only a bit unbearable.  Mostly i’s he crampin which is hard for me because I’m not bleeding, yet.  Lots of bed rest and plenty of lovin from my partner and our son is wha has otten me throuh the day.  More updaes later I promise.

January 23, 2008. Tags: , , , . Doc Appointments, HPV, Love. 1 comment.

Lost somewhere in cyberspace

I am sooooo sorry I haven’t been updating.  I lost my internet connection and was just able to grab a wireless signal from outside.

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January 12, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, sex, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Sometimes it’s the approval of others

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Sometimes it’s the approval of others that is what makes me ok for this.  I wake up some mornings feeling dirty.  My head spins to wrap itself around the fact that this is not a dream.  I have an STD.  Something that is not changing.  I feel ruined and dirty.  I feel like noone would want to touch me.  Its the response from others sometimes that mean the most to me.  Sometimes my mind is so weighed down by other issues and problems so when it comes to the HPV I feel like my mind can’t handle it and I feel in denial.  So when I’m hugged, kissed and loved it’s that breath that I need just when I feel like I can’t breath anymore.

So while we’re on the topic of approvals, ALOT of people are starting to read these blogs.  Which is exactly what I wanted.  I’m anxious to see what everyone else thinks.  I’ve had a few comments but short of that I feel like I’m typing these words to a bunch of strangers.  So if your out there leave me a note to say hi.  If your just reading these for comfort thats ok too.  Keep on reading.

December 21, 2007. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.

Update (warning possible TMI lol)

Ok lets see.  I got my coloposcy results.  And although it’s not cancer yet it’s not going away either.  So they are going to have to perform a LEEP. The actual diagnosis is: Moderate Dysplasia (CIN II, HGSIL).  I will post links to all of this by tomorrow night, I promise.  It pretty much means they found precancerous cells and I’m at a stage they don’t want to wait with.  So they are going to take care of it on their own and just get rid of the bad cells.  My pre-op appointment is on January 9th, it should be interesting since they could hardly reach my cervix for the coloposcy, I’m anxious to see how they reach it for this.

It took me a while to post this and I’m sorry but I had to cry it out and read up on it before I felt comfortable posting about it.  The yahoo groups I belong to are awesome.  I found some of my best support (besides my partner, more on that in a second) a person could find anywhere for this.  they are knowledgeable and full of information including experiences.

Now as far as my partner goes,she is soo awesome.  For the past two days we have been having the most amazing sex.  I’m not talking about a roll in the hay, I mean football stadium advertising good. She always manages to do this at the right time.  We’ve experienced things in the past few days we haven’t experienced in the whole time we’ve been together.  And it’s been beautiful, wonderful and soo emotional.  I love this woman and I couldn’t imagine life any other way.   I couldn’t imagine going thru this with anyone else.  She lifts me up when I’m down and brings me to my senses when I am high.  When the doctor called and I broke down and cried, she immediately asked me why I was crying and she got stern with me and explained to me that instead of crying I should be jumping for joy, and she listed all the reasons why.  Like how I’m lucky they caught this now, and how it’s not cancer yet, and how I won’t die from this.  But she said one thing that hasn’t let me get down about this.  Even though I want to have another baby, should this turn into something that will prevent me, she will be my spare parts.  i wish I could explain why this means so much.  But I guess you would have to know her.

I have to run for now, mommy duties do call, but I’ll be back with links, I promise.

December 20, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, information, lesbian, Love, sex, Test Results. 1 comment.

Friends, not always a big help

Friends can be a big help.  They can lend a shoulder to cry on.  Sometimes a voice of reason.
And in some cases they might even have a story to share of their own.

Sometimes the total opposite can happen.  In a simple phone call of looking for Someone who was able to tell me their story the word got out.  Now something that is/was very private for me and my partner has turned into local gossip.  Just when our marriage was coming back alive we got met with critizism, lies, anger and confusion.

I have kept my journey as private as I could while at the same time sharing the most intimate part of my life with the world.  You know about me
and my family but you dont know our names, where we live or who
we are.  The closest inkling of an idea is the web address.  And even that
may/may not be real.   Noone I know reads this or even has the ability
to read this, except for my mother and father who I have no problem
sharig this with.  So to have people talking about me and what is going on
in my personal life hurts.  I just want my privacy.  Oddly enough I have all
the privacy I need on a public blog.  Weird how that works.

So today was a bad day emotionally.  The reality of me having to watch who
I talk to and about what hit home hard.  But IN aspects of love, family and outlook,
today was good.

How was your day?

December 8, 2007. Tags: , , , , . Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.

Sometimes two heads are better than one

One thing that has been a constant discussion in my household is whether or not my partner (who is only 23) wants a hysterectomy.  She is very butch and hates getting her period (for more reasons than the obvious).  Plus she never wanted to birth her children.  I have always been against it.  And my main argument was “what if I get cancer and can’t have anymore kids?”  Even with that she said she wanted it.  Then I got HPV and the reasoning’s to keep her uterus became so clear all of the sudden.  Ok I’m not setting myself up for cancer, but Lets just say that was to happen.  Would I be able to carry a baby, possibly if they catch it early enough but most likely not.  but she can and will carry.  We’ve talked about it alot since the “phone call”.  I do know the thought of childbirth still makes her squeamish, but she would do it for me.  I would still pump and prepare my breasts for breastfeeding if possible so I can nurse.  If I couldn’t nurse she would pump so the baby would get breast-milk.  That’s also a big important thing for her.  Breastfeeding.  I breastfed for 2.5 years with my son.  She knows how important it is to me.

Sometimes I wonder if she’s following a script of what to say and do because so far she has been soo amazing.

December 7, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , . Feelings, having a baby, HPV, lesbian, Love. 3 comments.

It’s impossible to feel sorry for myself

I guess when it boils down to it, life’s not so bad.  So I have HPV (wow thats hard to type some days), but medicine has advanced so far that I will be ok.  In the long run anyway, physically anyway.  I should be.  Thats what the doctors say.  Everythig I read says different.  But I am trying not to think about that part.

But then I joined these support groups online.  They’ve been a big help because
there are very knowledgible people on them.  You can ask any amount of questions
and have them answered.  But then there’s the posts from the people whos
homelife and support system are nothing compared to mine.  I feel soo bad for them.
I want to hug them and hold them and tell them it’ll be alright.  It’s not fair to go
thru this alone.  Thank god for my partner, I don’t know what I would do without her.

I guess sometimes life just isn’t fair.  Everywhere you turn your stepping into crap
and you can’e escape the smell of it.  I jsut wish I could clean all that shit up for
everyone.  I hate seeing people hurt.

December 7, 2007. Tags: , , , , . Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.

Sometimes the most ugly things can be beautiful

I didn’t intend to get as personal as I’m about to get.  But HPV is personal.  And the way you transmitt this monster is just as personal.  So my need to share something this intamate is unavoidable. be forwarned of TMI.

Last night for the first time since the “phone call” my partner and I had sex.  No I take that back, we made love.  it was probably some of the most meaningful love we have ever made.  I was scared and nervous.  I was scared we would start and she would ask to stop.  I was scared to not feel her against me.  I needed her more last night than I ever have.  And it was BEAUTIFUL!  She knew just how to touch me.  Just how to love me. Everthing that has been running through my mind disapeared for an hour.  She made me feel sooo wonderful.  I never thought she would want to touch me again.  She made me feel human again.  Alive, like a breath of fresh air.  She reminded me just how much we meant to each other.

There is a sex life after HPV!

I haven’t felt this ok with myself in a week.  When we were done we talked and she held me.  I made her read this blog.  She told me how she has my back and how yes she was scared but why should a phone call about something I had no control over change how much she loves me or wants me.  It was like someone told her exactly what to say and do.  I could never place a price tag on how she made me feel.

I hope that whoever is reading this has a support or a spouse like this.  And if you don’t please know that when you find true love, someone who loves you for all that you bring to the table, HPV will not be a big deal.  Don’t be scared to tell them about HPV or your feelings about it.   And if your with someone who can’t treat you the way I’ve been treated FORGET them.  She showed me just how strong our love was.  THAT is why I married her.  THAT is why I agreed to sign those papers.  If I wasn’t able to share my feelings with her and know that she coudn’t tell me how she felt about it, those papers would mean NOTHING.

December 6, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , . Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.

Dirty

Sometimes I feel dirty.  A shower never manages to make me feel all clean.  I have an STD.  I have an STD.  Thats hard for me to wrap my head around.  I’ve always been sooo fucken careful.  I tell people how I feel about this and they say “but HPV is so common, alot of people have it.”  Well alot of people have AIDS mother fucker but it doesn’t make them feel any better does it?  Maybe when I go for my coloposcy it will be almost gone.  But what won’t change is I will still have/had an STD.

I love my partner.  She still makes me feel so pretty and sexy.
She is being the best support I could ask for.  I don’t know what I would do without her.

December 5, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , . HPV, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.