10 lbs off my back

Sometimes stress is a mother fucker.  It can wigh you down and break you to the point of no coming back.  HPV almost did that to me.  It had me soo strongly in it’s

I had almost given in.  But then I started getting these comments.  These amazing comments of women who I’ve inadvertantly helped.  Not many, just a few.  But women, those comments help SOOOO much.

As much as reading a blog of a woman who lives somewhere out in cyber space, who blogs about some of the most ridicoulus things, who’s spelling is sometimes unbearable, who’s life can sometimes be soo uneventful, can help you, even if that blog for the day is simply “fuck HPV”.

Those comments, even if it’s just one, helps ME soo much.  Sometimes I feel alone too.  Even though I have an awesome family.  Even if I have some of the best support I could ask for.  Even though my life partner is, to me anyway, the enxt best thing since sliced bread.  Even though I have an amazing son.  I still feel lonely.  I feel alone in this horrible HPV world.

Noone I know understands HPV.  They don’t understand how you feel.  They
can’t describe the painful periods after a LEEP.  They can’t understand how
terrified you are about the fact that there is a VERY real chance that you may have trouble concieving and if you do, you may need help carrying to full term.  Noone else can understand the emotional scars and how even with them always at the forefront of your brain, you have to push them back and think POSITIVE.

But you do.  Yes you, the woman who is reading this now.  I bet youfound me
because youdid a search on HPV or a LEEP or maybe even a PAP smear.  And

somehow or another you found me.  You found a person who you can understand.  I understand the need to be quiet and just lurk.  I do it on soo  many other blogs.  But then I’ll get someone send me a comment on how much I’ve helped them.  And I cry.  I share the comment with my partner because she is amazed at the responses.  And I tear up.  And shhh, but so
does she.  I don’t know what I would of done without this blog.


Today, I’m scared.  not sure why though.  Just all day I’ve had this scared feeling.  I don’t even know if it has anything to do with HPV.


But today is still an AWESOME day.  I lost 10 lbs!!!!  I had a check up at my primary doctors and I lost 10 lbs since I’ve been there last.  I actually think it’s 15 because I know I put on weight after I saw them last.  But who cares 10 lbs is a big deal!  I’m soo amped about losing more wieght.  I’ve gone down 2 jean sizes too.  I’m now down to a 24 and I know from the way they fit, I might just be able to squeeze into a 22 by the end of May.  You know what that means?  CLOTHES SHOPPING!  I should start a fund lol!  I know I’ve beenmore active.  I COMPLETLY hand my weight loss to HPV.  Stress makes me eat less.  And then findnig out just how close I was to cancer made me appreciate the small things more so I’ve been more active and play with my son more.  Plus we’ve been eating better because I need to keep my body in better shape so it can fight the HPV.


Well gals, have a good night.  It’s time for me to go to sleep.  I’m tired.
Good night!



April 3, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 8 comments.

It’s like the night before christmas


and all through the house, it was calm, and it was quiet and everything seems normal.


March 23, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, having a baby, HPV, lesbian, Love, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Good Morning and good luck

Please excuse any typos.  I have to hurry before I lose my internet and my T is working up so someimes it migh not work.


Tomorrow is my LEEP. I have o be a he surgery center at 10 am.  My partner and mom will be there with me.  I’m scared.  I know I shouldn’t be because women ge this done everyday.  But I’m scared because of he position of my cervix and because I’m terrified of he test results.  So to keep my mind off things here are some aricles from my support groups.  Enjoy.  And again, Thank you for all of your support!

January 21, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV. Leave a comment.

If only this memory could fade

Fail to notice

So the days grow quieter.  We have longer and longer moments when it’s not mentioned.  Its never forgotten though. It’s kind of like knowing the person sitting next to you is wearing a red shit.  You know they are, they know they are, and your pretty sure everyone around you knows
too.  So we don’t talk about it.  Not in a bad way, but in a silent protest as to not let it get to us.  When the words are spoken though we crumble. We tear up and sometimes let those tears wash our face.  We get angry at how we’re not just a number, a percentage, a guestimate.  Even if this goes away on it’s own, we will forever have been and will be just a number.  That hurts.  I hate being a number.  We’re a statistic.

Tomorrow’s the big day, well sort of anyway.  Tomorrow I go for the coloposcy and my partner goes for her annual pap plus vaccination (her first shot in a set of 3).  She gets to be vaccinated.  She’s only 23.  I’m 27, I miss the cut off by one year.  The vaccination won’t “cure” her if she has it.  It will prevent her from getting it if she hasn’t gotten it already.  It will also prevent her from getting it i the future.  I’m soo happy about that.  At least that makes me feel better.  So in about 2 weeks we should have results.  Which means the next two weeks are going to be soo critical.  Thats the scary part.  Knowing that you are waiting for a phone call that will either release all of your stress and worries or crash your world.  So my next update will come tomorrow after my sore ass comes home and crashes, because you know I won’t be able to sleep tonight.  🙂 see ya’ll tomorrow.

By the way.  my visitor status is starting to really climb.  That makes me feel good.  It lets me know that what I’m writing is reaching people.  And that hopefully in those numbers it will mean that maybe one person was helped.  That’s all I want.  Is to be able to help at least one person.

December 10, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, Test Results. 1 comment.

My risk factors

This was sooo a subject I was trying to avoid.  I didn’t want to go here.  I didn’t want the lectures or the stats thrown at me but here goes.  I promised I would be open and honest.  I want to be able to look at my blog a year from now and know that by me being completly honest helped someone.  Even if it was one person.

I smoke, I smoke a half a pack to a full pack a day.  I do this because I’m addicted
and because I’m stressed (more about that in a second). And to be honest smoking has actually helped soooooo much.  But in the long run that will kill me.

I am stressed.  So stressed and that hinders your body from fighting this off and
can cause flare ups.  The stress
I’ve been under for the past month is unbearable.  I don’t want to drag my other problems into this
blog so I haven’t posted my other
life issues on here.
Just know that I’m super stressed.  If you read my phone call
blog you’ll read that my marriage was on the mend.
That alone has cause severe panic attacks.  I need to be calm and it’s soo hard. Smoking helps with this.  But
smoking like I stated above can do more harm sometimes than good.  Right now I’m searching for ways to
handle stress without smoking.  Have any ideas?  Feel free to share.

So those along with things like my diet is horrible, I’m overweight, cancer runs in my family at points
(not cervical but other forms) All those things scare me.

Ok so I know thelectures are coming.  Quit smoking meditate.  Eat better.
Yeah I know, I know.  I’m tryin guys.

December 7, 2007. Tags: , , , , . Feelings, HPV, information. Leave a comment.

Doctors appointment

I went to the OB today.  It was for an unrealated appointment.  On top of the HPV I have a slight incontinece from childbirth, and I developed a rash from the pads I’ve been using.  So she just checked it and gave me some cream.  I also took the time to badger her with questions.  She explained the stages and the percentages of clearing.  It seemed pretty to the point and made me feel a bit better.  I wont feel completly better though until i have those test results of how far it’s advanced.

I also scored my pap test results.  I definatly have a high risk strain. Which is ok because I probably won’t get any warts but it fucken sucks becasue it means I could get cancer.  That sounds sooo childish I know but for me warts on top of this is like the icing on the cake.  Would I prefer them to cancer hell yes, but if I have to be high risk at least i know my shit will look and feel ok.

December 3, 2007. Tags: , , , . Doc Appointments, HPV. Leave a comment.

Sex after HPV

I am terrified to have sex.  I know I shouldn’t be.  We’ve been having sex this long without knowing.  I know one more time won’t matter.  Or will it.  It’s that unknown that is sooo scarey and cold.  She’s just as scared as I am.  To think that I gave her an STD without even knowing it.  Without even having any idea.  So we think of ideas like rubber gloves and condoms for the toys.  But it feels so impersonable after having sex for all these years without any of that.  I dont want to use those things.  I want to feel her.  her skin against mine.  I want to feel like there is no barrier. I can’t blame her for feeling this way.  And I feel the same way about it. If I havent given it to her yet, I want to avoid anything that will evenput her at the slightest risk.

Will we make it through HPV?  God I hope so.

December 2, 2007. Tags: , , , , , . HPV. Leave a comment.

The phone call

This will be (as of right now anyway) the hardest post I will write.  Within a matter of just a few minutes my life changed.  What I thought about myself and who I’ve become and my ideals about the future.

About a week to 2 ago I had a pap smear done.  Nothing big.
They’ve been a regular part of my life since I told my mother I was
sexually active.   I’ve also gotten tested for STD’s.  I’ve always had a very clean sex life.  promiscuous, yes, but I tried to be careful.  I’m defiantly not your girl next door. Unless of course she has bright pink hair.  I never thought anything about my pap’s.  They’ve always been normal and after more than ten years of them being normal why would that change?  I’m in a committed monogamous relationship and I can rest very easily at night knowing that My partner hasn’t cheated on me and vice versa.

On Thursday ( 11/28/2007 ) at 2:22 in the afternoon.

I was sitting on the floor in front of the couch.  My soo very
sick from the flu partner was laying on the couch and my job was to make sure
she was ok.  So I held her hand and rubbed her head.  Did all the “wifey” things.  We had a bad week.  Things were pretty stressful and we let friends and family cloud our judgement and coping skills.  Our marriage was on the mend.  So this Thursday was meant to nurse her health back and our marriage.  That was until the phone call at least.

My OBGYN called.  I thought she was calling to check on how I was doing on the
new birth control to help control the PMDD.  Instead she says
that she just received the results of my Pap smear and that they found abnormal cells.
When tested they tested positive for HPV.  Now all
I know about HPV is what I see on T.V.  I’ve never really heard too much about it.  But i was terrified.  She explained to me that most woman have it and don’t even know it.  She also explained that it is an STD.  I freaked out.  An STD?  I’ve NEVER cheated on my partner.  I’ve been
with her for 3 years.  how the hell can I have an STD?  She explained I have probably had it for years.  It never popped up until now and that it was normal for it to lay dormant and not be noticed.  But still an STD?  I’ve always been careful.

I was soo scared. I was scared that my partner would think I had been cheating on her.  I was afraid that  I had infected so many other people.  I wanted to talk to someone who could tell me sooo much more.  But how do you even mention it to people.  Especially at a time when we have just told our friends we needed space because of the trouble we had been having.  I sobbed uncontrolably, My partner and I just held each other and cried together.  We’ve done alot of crying since then.  So I looked up all I could online.  I found out how common it was and how dangerous it can be.  (I’ll post facts and stats in my next blog).

I’m scared, I’m a bit relieve because of what I’ve read.  But scared is a feeling that wont go away.  i want to have kids.  I want to have my own kids.  I need to.  And the fact that something could threaten that is terrifying.

December 2, 2007. Tags: , , , , . Feelings, HPV. Leave a comment.