I’m back!

The inernet is FINALLY back up!!!  I go for my follow up and results today.  My partner also goes for her booster to the vaccine.  I am definatly a little nervous.  I had sex last night/early this morning and I bled a litle bit.  I had tons of cramping afterwards too, As soon as I orgasmed it felt like someone put a knife throughthe right side of my pelvis.  I plan on brining it up today a the doctors office.  Also and I don’t know if it’s related to this or not, but my hormones have been completly out of whack.  I’ve been having intense mood swings and when I had my period last week I grew more than the normal one or two, chin hairs.  And this past period hurt like hell.  it could just be my body telling me to fuck off.  First I had my LEEP, he same day I felt better I got the flu, then just as that started to go away I got my period, now I think I have some kind of bronchitis or such, my throat has been sore for almost two weeks and I’ve been losing my voice.  I just want one day that I feel normal and ok.  One day that I don’t feel like someone shit on me.  Just one day.

Everything elseis ok.  Our son is awesome and cuter than ever, My partner and I are awesome.  I finally have a group of really close friends that I can’t ge enough of.

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February 13, 2008. Tags: , , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, sex. Leave a comment.

Almost a week

I’ve still been having a bit of cramping, and I haven’t really bled.  Instead I’m passing grey and black discharge.  It’s gross.  It’s unatural and I hate it.  I feel like I don’t even know my own body.  My follow up is Feburary 13th.  I jus can’t wait for this all to go away.  there’s that word again.  wait.  I hate waiting.

I still don’t have any internet connection.  argghhh….

Sorry for all the negativity today.  I’m just fustrated with everything.  I want my body back.  My siser in-law is pregnant and all I can do is cry about it because we wanted to start trying sooo bad but now, we have to wait.   And hen there’s always this chance I migh not be able to carry.  UGGHH.  Plus I want to have sex sooo bad.  We’ve been as creative as we can but I jsut want to feel her again.  DAMN.

January 28, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Feelings, having a baby, HPV, sex. Leave a comment.

Lost somewhere in cyberspace

I am sooooo sorry I haven’t been updating.  I lost my internet connection and was just able to grab a wireless signal from outside.

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January 12, 2008. Tags: , , , , . coping, Doc Appointments, Feelings, HPV, lesbian, Love, sex, Test Results. Leave a comment.

Sometimes the most ugly things can be beautiful

I didn’t intend to get as personal as I’m about to get.  But HPV is personal.  And the way you transmitt this monster is just as personal.  So my need to share something this intamate is unavoidable. be forwarned of TMI.

Last night for the first time since the “phone call” my partner and I had sex.  No I take that back, we made love.  it was probably some of the most meaningful love we have ever made.  I was scared and nervous.  I was scared we would start and she would ask to stop.  I was scared to not feel her against me.  I needed her more last night than I ever have.  And it was BEAUTIFUL!  She knew just how to touch me.  Just how to love me. Everthing that has been running through my mind disapeared for an hour.  She made me feel sooo wonderful.  I never thought she would want to touch me again.  She made me feel human again.  Alive, like a breath of fresh air.  She reminded me just how much we meant to each other.

There is a sex life after HPV!

I haven’t felt this ok with myself in a week.  When we were done we talked and she held me.  I made her read this blog.  She told me how she has my back and how yes she was scared but why should a phone call about something I had no control over change how much she loves me or wants me.  It was like someone told her exactly what to say and do.  I could never place a price tag on how she made me feel.

I hope that whoever is reading this has a support or a spouse like this.  And if you don’t please know that when you find true love, someone who loves you for all that you bring to the table, HPV will not be a big deal.  Don’t be scared to tell them about HPV or your feelings about it.   And if your with someone who can’t treat you the way I’ve been treated FORGET them.  She showed me just how strong our love was.  THAT is why I married her.  THAT is why I agreed to sign those papers.  If I wasn’t able to share my feelings with her and know that she coudn’t tell me how she felt about it, those papers would mean NOTHING.

December 6, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , . Feelings, HPV, Love. Leave a comment.

Sex after HPV

I am terrified to have sex.  I know I shouldn’t be.  We’ve been having sex this long without knowing.  I know one more time won’t matter.  Or will it.  It’s that unknown that is sooo scarey and cold.  She’s just as scared as I am.  To think that I gave her an STD without even knowing it.  Without even having any idea.  So we think of ideas like rubber gloves and condoms for the toys.  But it feels so impersonable after having sex for all these years without any of that.  I dont want to use those things.  I want to feel her.  her skin against mine.  I want to feel like there is no barrier. I can’t blame her for feeling this way.  And I feel the same way about it. If I havent given it to her yet, I want to avoid anything that will evenput her at the slightest risk.

Will we make it through HPV?  God I hope so.

December 2, 2007. Tags: , , , , , . HPV. Leave a comment.